fbg: bowhunting (yes, bowhunting) edition

I know it's been a while. It's tough to devote the time necessary to sufficiently plead my case for why Bucky Gleason should no longer be paid to comment on sports, particularly in written form. Plus, with Terry Pegula taking over the Sabres, the rhetoric has changed dramatically.

So, it brought a little sense back to my world when Bucky wrote this tribute (?) to bowhunting. Yes, bowhunting. Bowhunting. I'd say I'm speechless, but obviously...

The World Bowhunting Championships were held last weekend at Holiday Valley for the fourth straight year, a fact that begged for two questions: A) Who knew the world championships of anything were staged in our back yard and B) bowhunters had world championships?

Answers: A) bowhunters and B) bowhunters. Although I will admit this is one sporting event of which my Dad, someone who actually warrants a bumper sticker reading "I Brake for Whitetail Deer (also, wild turkeys)", probably wasn't aware.

I'll come clean. I know nothing about hunting. I have no interest in hunting. I shot a gun once. Hunting to me will remain one of the great mismatches in history until animals start shooting back.

I look forward to future insight into how NASCAR isn't a sport because the car does all the work.

Still, I have neither an overwhelming admiration for wildlife nor an ounce of disdain for hunters. It's just not for me.

Except for, you know, thinking hunting isn't a sport. Which it is, if you count "sleeping in the woods" as a sport.

In the interest of full disclosure, if not too much information, I stumbled upon Ken Watkins, the director of the International Bowhunting Organization, in a bathroom while spending a few days in Ellicottville. He explained the event and invited me for a closer look

Soooo, uhh, are we still in the bathroom?

-- hockey, meet Hee Haw -- and introduced me to Jeff Hopkins.

Seriously, are we still in the bathroom? Because if we are this whole pretense is bullshit. As a veteran guy who has been in numerous bathrooms I can say with great confidence that no guy, ever, anywhere, has ever introduced himself to a complete stranger in the bathroom. Ever. Anywhere.

Who is Jeff Hopkins? Think: Michael Jordan. The difference is that Hopkins is a better shooter.

Jeff Hopkins is a markedly tall bald black man with significant success in the NBA? Oh, I get it. He's arguably (or at least widely considered) to be the best bowhunter in the history of bowhunting.

He was looking to improve his accuracy for hunting purposes 20 years ago, became proficient enough to shoot competitively and within three years was earning enough money from professional bowhunting to make it his career. In between competitions and hunting trips, he practices on his farm in Columbia, Ky.

Since he's Michael Jordan, I'm assuming he was also initially cut from his high school bowhunting team and ultimately nailed the game-winning arrow in the NCAA bowhunting championships.

"I always wanted to be a professional baseball player," said Hopkins, whose father was born in Olean. oh boy "I was a pitcher. I wanted to throw 90 mph. Everybody has those dreams. It didn't quite work out. But, now, I'm pinching myself."

Just to make sure everybody's following along: Jeff Hopkins, professional ballplayer dreams shattered, has now apparently fulfilled, or exceeded, those dreams bowhunting.

Well, he's certainly not pinching pennies. Plaschke-nanigans! I admit, I was getting a little nervous. Hopkins, 42, made $200,000 one year and figures he pockets around $125,000 annually when all the prize and sponsorship money is added up. It's not a bad living, assuming you can hit a target about the size of a half-dollar, on a three-dimensional artificial animal, from 50 yards away, while judging various elements such as wind and equipment. Points range depending on accuracy.

Sounds a lot more sporting than shooting at unarmed animals.

If that doesn't work, try making holes-in-one for a living. It seems easier.

"Most people know football, basketball, baseball and the other sports, but they don't know about this," said Levy Bryant, of Pensacola, Fla.

Primarily because most people don't, you know, bowhunt. There's a reason the hunting section is tucked in the corner of Dick's, and you have to walk past all the baseball, football, basketball, and other sports stuff to get to it.

"We are the big leagues of archery. When you come off this mountain, everybody knows you're the best. This is our Super Bowl."

Levi Morgan, one of the biggest names on the circuit, considering that, apparently, in order to make the bowhunting big leagues you need to be named some variation of Levi won the open world championship. Organizers estimate he pocketed between $50,000 and $75,000, depending on his contract with sponsors and how much money the event generated.

You're a wealth of accuracy here.

Hopkins was among the favorites but struggled.

So he choked?

Jordan didn't always score 40.

Yeah, but he never choked.

Spend time with them and you quickly realize that they're superstars in their own right.

Extreme emphasis on "their own."

Hopkins estimated that 90 percent of competitive archers know his name. It sounds right. Bowhunting fans fawned over him last weekend.

I can imagine both of them were ecstatic. Also, remember Jeff Hopkins is to bowhunting as Michael Jordan is to basketball. Do you think any competitive basketball players do not Michael Jordan's name? Even now when he hasn't played in years?

Yes, there are bowhunting fans. He signs autographs. He has his own website. Because if there ever was a measure of greatness, it's having a website. Kind of like how having a blog makes you a good writer. He even acknowledged there are bowhunting groupies out there, a fact that irritates his wife. Seriously, dude, women dig bowhunters?

"Hey," he said, "I don't get it, either."

I can only imagine what these groupies are like. I picture something like this.

If nothing else, it tells you that people are drawn to excellence no matter the sport. Outdoors channels have seen increased interest. Some 3 million kids participate in archery, but bowhunting will forever remain in the backdrop when stacked against other sports.

So, the moral of the story is people are drawn to excellence unless that excellence is in something nobody really cares about because they're more interested in other stuff?

And that's fine for the elite such as U.S. women's champ Cara Fernandez, who makes more money shooting in some years than she does at her full-time job in a skilled nursing facility. Darrin Christenberry is an electrician who in his best season took home $140,000.

Please note that, after referring multiple times to how successful bowhunters can sustain themselves bowhunting, and have their own websites (!), we learn that they actually have to maintain full time jobs. I'm starting to want these fifteen minutes of my life back.

"To shoot a bow for a living? How many people can say they do that?" Hopkins said. "Not many. That's pretty cool."

Apparently, just you.

fire bucky gleason, 2011 edition

I know it's been a while, and maybe it's because the Sabres lost in pretty spectacularly awful style tonight and I needed something to lighten the mood, but I figure we were long overdue to demonstrate, once again, why Bucky Gleason needs to be fired.

A lot's happened in the last many months where we've gone dormant. But, much like death and taxes, if there is one thing that can be reliably counted on it's Bucky Gleason belaboring the same damn tired narrative. Over and over.

Last week, it was Tim Kennedy's turn. Again.

Some important facts to keep in mind: the Sabres offered Tim Kennedy a one-year deal worth between $800,000-$900,000. Questions remain as to whether it was one-way or two-way. Kennedy went to arbitration, and the arbitrator awarded Kennedy a million dollar deal. The Sabres deemed that too much money and bought him out. As a result, the Sabres took a $333,333.33 cap hit this year, and paid Kennedy $166,666.67 both this year and next. Kennedy signed with the Rangers for $550,000 (a/k/a "the league minimum") and promptly failed to make it out of training camp. Now, he and his agent again insisted on a one-way deal, meaning he'd have to go through re-entry waivers. Instead, the Rangers ultimately traded Kennedy to the Panthers. Or, more accurately, the Hartford AHL team traded Kennedy to Rochester. Now, I think we all know who gets the blame...

Tim Kennedy made his season debut last week, returning to the NHL with the Florida Panthers after a seven-month exile that included five teams, three organizations and an equipment bag full of heartache. Yes, hockey can be a cold, unsentimental business riddled with cruel and unusual punishment.

That's right. It wasn't until March that Tim Kennedy finally made it back to the NHL. For the Panthers. Who are playing out the string. Because they really stink. I mean really.

Key word: business.

I'll give you one guess, and only one guess, as to who in this "business" is allowed to act like businesspersons.

The South Buffalo native earned a Ph.D in hockey business -- and monkey business -- plaschke-nanigans tag, and it's only the second full paragraph after being thrown on his keister by the Sabres last summer. He woke up from the nightmare in the AHL, where he became a prisoner of his ability, his $550,000 contract with the Rangers and the NHL's waiver rules.

Not really a prisoner of his ability. If his ability warranted it, Kennedy would never have left the NHL.

"I could be doing something else with less stress," Kennedy joked last week by telephone from South Florida. "I get paid to do something I love. I've wanted this for my whole life. If you can work through the adversity, you'll be so much better for it. Things could be much worse. There are people out there who are having a hard time getting jobs. I'm playing hockey. For people like me to [complain] is just stupid."

Pretty sensible approach if you ask me. Especially because, as it turns out, he's not particularly good at the game of hockey. So, getting paid to do it is a pretty sweet deal for him.

To review, Kennedy had 10 goals and 26 points last season with the Sabres, he played in 78 games, a stat curiously left out evolved into a dependable two-way player "two-way player" is code for "not really good at playing hockey, but still pretty good at getting in the way of other players who are" and was among their better forwards in the first round of the postseason against Boston. I would also like to point out, thanks in part to Kennedy's stellar "two-way" play, the Sabres blew leads in three of the four playoff games they lost, more than once blowing a two goal lead He was awarded $1 million in arbitration last summer after negotiations broke down. Rather than accept the contract, the Sabres became the first team in history to buy out a player and waive him after arbitration.

"Negotiations broke down" here is code for "a player and his agent figured they had their negotiating counterpart cornered because everybody knew Kennedy would get a mil in arbitration so they insisted on things like a one-way deal."

Kennedy, 24, could have, and perhaps should have, accepted less money and avoided arbitration. But I'll go to my grave -- don't get any ideas -- believing the move by the former regime was about politics and power, not hockey, and played a role in the Sabres' slow start this season. Forget about his hometown roots. They lost a good player who could have helped this season and beyond.

Prove this. Kennedy may have been a developing player with some potential, but 26 points in 78 games does not qualify as "good." Some rumors indicated that Kennedy was waived to make room for Nathan Gerbe. Who, skating on the same crappy checking line Kennedy drew, in 54 games has 11 goals and 24 points. Gerbe's deal is also cheap. Or perhaps Kennedy was waived to make room for Tyler Ennis. Who has 19 goals and 45 points in 72 games. Either way, this move by the "former regime" seems to be pretty smart as it relates to, you know, "hockey."

It was precisely the kind of decision that would not be made under new owner Terry Pegula.

Prove this.

The buyout ultimately will cost the Sabres more money, too. They're paying Kennedy $166,666 this season and next, plus the salary of the player who replaced him on the roster. No matter how it's sliced, it will exceed $1 million per season.

Actually, Kennedy's waiver means Cody McCormick, who was also "one of Buffalo's better forwards in the playoff series against Boston," is playing full-time in the NHL this year. His contract is listed on capgeek as $500,000. So, you know, his deal and Kennedy's payment is $666,666 and costs only $833,333 on the salary cap. That's less than a million. It's worth mentioning that McCormick is 8-11-19 this year in 71 games, which is not far off Kennedy's pace (.27 PPG to .33, respectively). Is he the specific player who replaced Kennedy? No. No one is. But it looks like the Sabres picked three guys out of four for the their roster. Instead of paying $2.725 million on Kennedy/Ennis/Gerbe, the Sabres are paying less than $2.4 million for Ennis/Gerbe/McCormick/Kennedy buy-out. Fun with math! Also, I wonder if not blowing a full million in guaranteed money to a borderline NHL player played any part in the team's decision to trade for actual surefire NHL player Brad Boyes at the deadline.

"Hockey isn't given; you have to earn it," Kennedy said. "Last year, it was almost a perfect year. I made my hometown team, had a pretty good year, we had a good team, I play in the world championships, come home and have a good summer. Everything was going good. And then, everything just went bad overnight."

This may have actually been said by Kennedy. Or made up by Bucky. Both are equally likely.

Kennedy signed with the Rangers and likely would have spent the season in New York if an injury to Chris Drury occurred one day earlier.

Completely unsubstantiated. And this does not change the fact that Tim Kennedy was still not one of the twenty best skaters at Rangers camp. This includes Chris Drury, who in 23 games this year netted a total of four points. Tim Kennedy was deemed worse than that.

Instead, with teams having their rosters set after training camp, he had cleared waivers. Which also means nobody else wanted to pick his hockey ability as a good player for the LEAGUE MINIMUM. He needed a few weeks to get his head straight, but he rediscovered his game and regained his confidence in AHL Hartford.

He had 12 goals and 42 points in 53 games with Hartford, respectable numbers considering he played through a groin injury. The Rangers feared he would have been claimed on re-entry waivers at half price if they tried to bring him back when injuries piled up during the season. Instead, they promoted players with two-way contracts.

So, let me get this straight. If Tim Kennedy had sucked it up and taken a two-way deal, he would've played in the NHL sooner than March? So, maybe he and his agent blew it by insisting with not one, but two teams that he get a one-way deal? Maybe?

Kennedy was caught in a perfect storm.

"I was just stuck," he said. "It's tough because the Rangers had a lot of guys get hurt this year, and people are asking, 'How come you're not going up?'

Correct answer: "Because I got lousy advice from my agent, gambled on a one-way contract, and lost."

"...It gets old and it gets frustrating. I know what's going on, but [other] people don't know. It's hard to explain to people that I wasn't even an option because of my contract."

Fortunately for Kennedy, the Rangers needed a defenseman near the trade deadline and sent him and a third-round pick to Florida for Bryan McCabe. Kennedy played three games in Rochester and was recalled last week. Any team could have grabbed him for half price, about $50,000, of his prorated contract.

The Rangers decided they needed a rental defenseman more than they needed a superfluous forward with a bad contract. Keep in mind that Kennedy is a restricted free agent. So, the Rangers would've still held a significant advantage in terms of negotiating this offseason with such a talented hockey player that can help this season and beyond.

This time, the rules worked to his advantage. Kennedy would not have been able to play for another team this season because it was past the deadline for freezing rosters. He passed through re-entry waivers and played 14 1/2 minutes in the Panthers' 3-2 win over his neighbor, Patrick Kane, and the Blackhawks last week.

This lovely little love letter was published on March 13. That means as of its publication, Tim Kennedy had played three games. In his first, he got 14:30 of ice time, recorded no points and no shots on goal. In his second, he got 10:56 of ice time, again recorded no points and no shots on goal, and this time was actually -1 for the game. His third (and, what turned out to be his final) game for Florida, he got 4:58 of ice time in a game which feature 4:44 of overtime. Again, no points but at least he was credited with a shot on goal. So, in sum, Kennedy's talent at the game of hockey is so misunderstood that he was constantly losing ice time on team with absolutely no playoff aspirations.

Kennedy will be a restricted free agent this summer. The Panthers have only five forwards under contract going into next season. He's intent on showing the Panthers they made the right decision when they acquired him. If it doesn't work out, there's no sense complaining. Nobody will listen.

From the sounds of it, it would seem that if Kennedy wants to sign an NHL contract this summer, he should possibly consider a two-way deal. I doubt an arbitrator is going to look favorably on 30:24 of total NHL ice time resulting in one solitary shot on goal.

"Hockey isn't all about teams being happy to have you," Kennedy said. "It's all about the business. It's about the money. If you're not in a team's plans, you're not in a team's plans. They're not going to do anything to help you. Last year, everything was so good, but you see the other side of it real quick. I saw it almost the whole year."

Tear.

Look, I don't really have anything against Tim Kennedy. He did alright last year, and then misplayed his hand. The Sabres were forced with the options of buying him out, or paying him a $1 million, one-way deal that nobody else in the league wanted. Not even Glen Sather, and Glen Sather gives everybody money. So, maybe we should stop slamming the "former regime" for making a "political" decision to not waste resources on a player that happens to be only OK at hockey simply because, I don't know, he's from South Buffalo.

fire bucky gleason, quadrennial edition part two

Perhaps the worst thing that could've happened in the Olympics would've been Chris Drury scoring a crucial goal in an important game. Because then Bucky would be somewhat legitimized in writing essentially the same love letter he's been writing since Drury was inexplicably and unjustifiably insulted by Darcy Regier in 2007. Such that he was forced, in order to maintain his dignity, to sign a bloated contract offer from Glen Sather. Unfortunately, such fears came to pass.

What annoys me is the broad statements about 1. how lousy Canadian athletes in general are, and 2. how lousy the Canadian hockey team is. When, with half the Olympics to go, nobody was in a position to really say either. Micro-analysis is stupid in sports, even though sports journalists are guilty of it. To a fault. For example, the Sabres power play is currently like 2-78 or something in the last fifteen games. That sucks. But when they finally snapped their power play drought, they lost. In the previous game, one in which they didn't score a power play goal, they won 5-3. So, while a strong power play is certainly helpful in winning games, perhaps it's nothing more than correlative. Micro-analysis is stupid. Yet, here we are.

I have added some comments, in italics because they're generally funnier than what michael.w provided.

Lindy Ruff must have been having flashbacks Sunday evening as he stood behind the bench watching the whole thing unfold. Roll back the clocks a few years, back to when the Sabres marched to back-to-back conference finals and Ryan Miller would keep his team in games long enough for Chris Drury to win them.

Ruff wasn't available after Miller led the United States to a 5-3 upset victory over Canada, with plenty of help from his old buddy Drury, but something tells me he was a conflicted assistant coach for Canada following the game.

That happened once in the 2007 playoffs against the Rangers. And lest we forget that it was not Chris Drury who won that game he tied it. Max Afinogenov won the game.

Damn those guys, but somewhere deep down, good for them.

"Memories, huh," Miller said with a smile after making 42 saves in one of the best games of his career. "We're making new ones here."

Nobody should have any problem remembering this one for a while. The tension was palpable hours before the game and grew more intense inside as the slugfest carried along.

Slugfest. Yes I get it, the Sabres uniform looks like a slug.

And then there were the dizzying, suffocating, excruciating final 3½ minutes with Drury blocking shots and Miller making saves and, good heavens, get the puck out of the zone.

"Yeah," Drury said afterward. "It seemed like they had eight or nine guys out there."

See that, Chris Drury can shut down eight or nine guys!

[Ed's Note: That is, of course, because Chris Drury has the hockey talent, strength, and acumen of nine or ten guys. That's why he's paid so much. When you have Drury on your team, you only need to have three or four other skaters on the bench.]

Heck, anyone watching was exhausted.

Not anyone. I was quite comfortable. Sitting. Watching. Texting about 800 people about the game.

Drury didn't score the winner, but he had a big goal to give the Americans a 3-2 lead in the second period when he buried a loose puck.

In the Bucky Gleason dictionary, "Big Goal" is defined as "any goal scored by Chris Drury"

[Ed's Note: I just feel like it's worth noting that Drury did not score the game-winning goal. He scored the third goal of five. The Americans won 5-3. Each goal was important, but no bigger than any other. Kesler's hard-working clutch big gritty unnecessary empty net goal was probably more impressive.]

With the Yanks clinging to a 4-3 lead and the Canadians threatening to score for what felt like a month, he helped clear the zone with just more than a minute remaining.

Yanks? Was Jeter playing? Did A-Rod run Crosby into the boards. And if we are going to use quasi-offensive terms, why weren't Canadians "Canucks?"

[Ed's Note: Jeter was playing. Derek Jeter is the Chris Drury of baseball. To be entirely honest, between Jeter and Drury I'm surprised New York City hasn't melted to the ground what with all the clutch.]

"It was always great to play with Chris,"Miller Bucky Gleason said. "He was always a big-game player."

Vancouver Canucks forward Ryan Kesler's scored into an empty net moments later, and a collective moan could be heard from a sold-out crowd in his home building if not across this proud but suddenly very nervous hockey nation.

It wasn't "collective" because many people in attendance were cheering for Team USA and were pleased by Kesler's efforts. By the way, Miller played out of his effing skull and Rafalski had two goals. I am not a journalist, but in the interests of covering for someone else's lame attempt at journalism, I decided to mention that.

The rationale behind Canada's ambitious "Own the Podium" initiative made sense on the surface. Our neighbors needed a unifying cry with the 2010 Winter Olympics being staged on their home soil. It was designed to intensify training and provide better results.

Yes that long three day training period. After all, they needed it. All these player showed up so out of shape since they ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NHL SEASON!!

[Ed's Note: This is what I'm talking about with the incessant micro-analysis we're subjected to in sports these days. The NFL is particularly bad about it. Halfway through the Olympics, Canada was struggling to own the podium. By the end, they had won the most gold. So let's avoid saying anything grandiose, and stupid, about how lame Canada's Olympic team is.]

The United States — the "U.S. eh,"[rimshot] as one newspaper headline blared last week — had 24 medals overall going into Sunday night, six more than the Germans and 15 more than fourth-place Canada.

Own the podium? Please. Canada isn't qualified to rent the "P" and the "O."

[Ed's Note: Or, you know, don't.]

Plaschke-nanigans on me. I am P.O.ed about this pile of journalist crap.

But that's what Miller, South Buffalo native Patrick Kane, East Amherst-raised Brooks Orpik and the rest of the Americans were up against. It was a classification game, but the outcome meant more to Canada than it did anywhere else.

Thanks, by the way, for telling us where Ryan Kesler, Ryan Miller and Chris Drury are from. I guess it doesn't matter. I heard the telecast and Doc "Doc" Emrick say it every time any one of them touched the puck.

Hockey is the one thing — the one thing — Canada must get right. Now?

The United States advances to the quarterfinals. Canada must play an extra game to reach the medal round. Both teams remain in contention for all three medals.

Tickets that sold for $5,000 on the street a few days ago were going for $6,000 or more on a sunny afternoon near the Vancouver Canucks' home.

This paragraph reminds me of something Woody Paige said on "Around the Horn" today: "I can type 95 words a minute but none of them make any sense.

[Ed's Note: First, kudos to Woody Paige for being that self-aware. It's the first step towards recovery. Second, what the hell? Why are we being subjected to Bucky's journalistic stream of consciousness (where, I might add, we get the only genuine reporting of actual fact).]

Imagine the price next week, not to mention the anxiety, if these two hockey superpowers manage to meet again in the gold medal game. The locals estimate that tickets for the final game Sunday will sell for $12,000 apiece if Canada is one of the participants, even more if the Yanks wind up on the other side the opening face-off circle.

Imagine. Imagine if our writer could string together a coherent column

Look out, because the bloody Yanks look dangerous.

And also, look out because apparently the Olympic Committee is randomly moving the remaining events to Scotland.

The win Sunday was their first over Canada in international play since the 2001 world championships, ending a string of six straight losses.

Random fact dropped in with no connection to anything else. Thanks.

Brian Rafalski scored 41 seconds into the game while fans were still cheering "Go, Canada." Rafalski answered again later in the period when fans were still cheering for Eric Staal's goal.

Drury answered after Dany Heatley tied the game, 2-2. And Miller seemed to have all the answers en route to 42 saves.

YES!!! We finally get to the part where he actually breaks down the game!!!

[Ed's Note: We've now been told how the first three, and fifth, goals have been scored. Remember, Canada scored three. So the fourth goal was the game-winner. Keep that in mind.]

Drury, Miller, sound familiar?

Or Andy Sambergs over Drury and Miller again.

"Absolutely,"Kane Bucky Gleason said. "It's nice to see them step up. Ever since I was a Sabres' fan, Drury scored big goals. I remember the one against the Rangers. Big goals by him tonight, and Miller stood on his head."

[Ed's Note: I have so many problems with this quote, I don't even know where to start. First, Patrick Kane, who (as we've been beaten over the head with since approximately 1989) grew up both in Buffalo AND good at playing hockey, apparently didn't become a Sabres fan until 2003. That's when Drury joined the team. We addressed the big goal against the Rangers above. However, my biggest problem is how stupid Patrick Kane looks. Chris Drury only scored one goal. Where was Kane? In the bathroom for all but his twenty minutes of ice time?]

Team USA General Manager Brian Burke made it clear going into the Winter Games that he couldn't afford to assemble the top 20 players in red, white and blue and send them against the stronger, faster, deeper teams from Canada, Russia and beyond. The American team was put together with specific roles in mind for every player.

At least Kane knew it was ONE goal against the Rangers. But I am sensing we are about to run head first into a steaming pile of sports cliches...

Drury, for example, was named to the U.S. team despite a brutal year with the Rangers in a decision that baffled many. The reason: simple. Burke and U.S. coach Ron Wilson, former college roommates and blood brothers who wear the Maple Leaf of Toronto in the NHL, wanted a selfless leader with Olympic experience.

"He has those Mike Eruzione-like qualities," Wilson said of the 1980 U.S. hero. "Diving in front of shots, blocking them, winning big faceoffs. He's doing a lot of dirty grunt work that often gets overlooked."

Indeed. Wow. I am counting 1, 2, 3, 4 cliches in one quote. Well done.

[Ed's Note: the things that Chris Drury does are "Mike Eruzione-like." Therefore, note to all stupid Sabre fan Buckyites: we are not looking for a guy with "Chris Drury-like qualities." We are looking for a player with Mike Eruzione like qualities. He was the originator. Like Parcells over Belichick.]

Orpik is being asked to be their shutdown defenseman, providing the same steadiness and sturdiness as he did for the last two seasons with the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins.

And cliches.

He was on the ice during the grueling shift late in the game with the Canada threatening and the United States scrambling.

OK, I just want to point out this particular sentence demonstrates Bucky's lack of hockey knowledge: If Orpik was so "steady" and "sturdy" there would not have been a scramble.

The United States has produced more medal winners in the Winter Games, but it was an underdog when this tournament began. In means nothing in the Olympics. Dominik Hasek proved in the 1998 Nagano Games that one person can make a major difference.

And that brings back us to Miller, who also is wearing No. 39 in this tournament.

"Best I've ever seen," said Kesler, who plays with star Roberto Luongo.

Miller was irked over the Canadians slipping a loonie into center ice in Salt Lake City in 2002 before beating the Americans and standing atop the podium on U.S. soil.

When Sunday rolls around, he's hoping to return the favor.

But since the bloody Yanks don't use funny coins for dollar amounts, perhaps Miller can place a dollar bill, quarter, or even better (and this is dedicated to Ryan Fitzpatrick and all his street cred we learned about in a previous post) a Benjamin.

[Ed's Note: One final point... we got a full column about how awesome, clutch, huge, and crucial Chris Drury's goal was (the third for the Yanks blueshirts U.S.ians Americans). Yet, we are never told who, when, or how the fourth (a/k/a "game-winning") goal was scored. Sorry, Jamie Langenbrunner. You stole Drury's "C". A price must be paid.]

fbg: miami

Up to this point, the Fire Bucky Gleason posts have been limited to Buffalo. Living in Buffalo, and growing up not far from Buffalo, it was only natural that we'd get mad at the local monkeys who, for reasons that I still don't entirely comprehend, get paid by people with money to write their opinions about sports. Bucky's been pretty quiet lately, and with football season ending perhaps it's time to carve up a guy commenting on the Miami Dolphins.

So, much like CBS in that we're taking a successful concept and just putting it in a different setting and calling it a whole new show (coming soon, Cold Case: Des Moines!), we're taking FBG on the road to Miami and lambasting a guy from the Miami Herald who makes the following completely asinine commentary on who would be the perfect Dolphin.

michael.w found it. My comments in italics because I say so.

Logical progression: A season in which the Dolphins have faced Reggie Wayne, Vincent Jackson, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss and Steve Smith now could come down to stopping Houston wide receiver Andre Johnson.

OK. That is reasonable enough.

[Ed's Note: Not really. What he calls a "logical progression" is really just a "list of wide receivers the Dolphins have played against this year."]

Who else on the Texans can deal death to the Dolphins on Sunday afternoon? Houston's fumbling backs run as if they were carrying a greased pig through mud. They rank 31st in the league in yards per carry and are tied for last in the NFL in yards per game.

This paragraph is Exhibit A demonstrating why I never believe or give even an ounce of credence to predictions. The allegedly horrible backs, Ryan Moats, a guy named Arian Foster and Chris Brown all ran very well. They, for at least one week, solved the "greased pig" issues.

Behind Johnson among wide receivers, Kevin Walter, not exactly Lance Alworth, averages four catches per game and 11.7 yards per catch. Sunday's tight end worries ended eight weeks ago with Owen Daniels' season-ending injury.

Way to go, of all the receivers in the history of the NATIONAL!!!FOOTBALL!!!LEAGUE!!!, I applaud your efforts to compare Kevin Walter, a white guy, to Lance Alworth, another white guy. And Exhibit B regarding the predictions, a tight end named Joel Dressen provided plenty of worries from the tight end position on Sunday. Also, the Texans have a guy named Jacoby Jones. The Dolphins couldn't cover him either.

There is some irony in the Dolphins trying to prevent Johnson from burning down their house Sunday: It would be the perfect place for Johnson to call home.

The irony, I guess, is that LandShark Stadium, a structure Andre Johnson has plans on committing acts of arson against, is a perfect place for him to call home? Way to misuse irony. Why will Andre Johnson be burning the stadium down? If it is meant only figuratively, then I ask: Is it closing at the end of the season, thereby meaning a loss, and subsequent failure to qualify for the playoffs, means the final game in the stadium? (Answer: No. There is another game in that same burned down house the following week, and some Canadian money company wants to put their name on it for following seasons).

[Ed's Note: I fail to grasp the "burning down the house" metaphor. The preferred cliche here is "tearing it up." If you're growing to write pointless things about football, at least follow the rules.]

Oh sure, every team would love a guy who gets double-teamed from pregame stretch on and beats it for 20 catches for 389 yards, as Johnson has the past two games.

Meaning this article could be written in 31 other NFL cities I guess. After all, the same irony applied in November when Andre Johnson burned down Ralph Wilson Stadium, another perfect place for him to call home. Along with the other six road stadiums Johnson played in over the course of the 2009 season.

"Without question, I think, the best receiver in the league," Dolphins safety Yeremiah Bell said. "The guy does everything. He does the little things. He does things he might not want to do. He makes all the hard catches. The guy's getting doubled every game, but they find ways to get him the ball."

What does this quote have to do with Andre Johnson being perfectly suited to reside in the charred remains of Joe Robbie..err..Pro Player..err...Dolphin...err...Landshark Stadium. Other than Johnson being great, which makes him perfectly suited for all the other stadiums, that Johnson mercifully chose not start on fire.

The Dolphins, as has been said ad nauseum, lack a dynamic playmaker at wide receiver.

No argument here. I presume this will be followed by an in depth exploration of Johnson's impending free agency and statements that he is thinking of signing with Miami.

[Ed's Note: He's right about at least one thing, I am starting to get nauseous reading this.]

Still, you have to go beyond quality to see why Johnson would be the perfect Dolphin (if he weren't signed with Houston through the 2014 season).

Oh. So to sum up: A player who will not be free agent FOR HALF A DECADE is someone perfectly suited to play for Dolphins after he burns down their stadium.

Let's start with the next-obvious element . . .

Does this mean we get cliches like "leadership" and being "good in the locker room?"

[Ed's Note: This column is not about Chris Drury.]

Johnson would be home. He didn't leave South Florida until Houston drafted him third overall in 2003 out of the University of Miami. And every college football coach not dressed in UM colors breathed a little easier that day.

No, but it is nice to see that Bucky Gleason is making a guest appearance at the Miami Herald under the pseudonym David Neal. The thesis here: Andre Johnson would be a great fit for the Dolphins because he is a great player, and he is from Miami. So is Chad Johns....Ochocinco. So is Vince Wilfork (who by the way is an actual free agent come season's end).

"Miami had just graduated Reggie Wayne," said Dolphins defensive coordinator Paul Pasqualoni, Syracuse's head coach from 1991-2004. "I told our [defensive backs], 'Don't worry, the guy who replaces him can't be as good as Reggie Wayne.' On the first two possessions, he scored on a post corner and a corner post. The cornerback came out and said, 'Coach, I think this guy might be better.'" Johnson went to Miami High, but he is from the Carol City area.

I could have told that Andre Johnson is better than Reggie Wayne without consulting Pasqualoni. Every pass Reggie Wayne has caught in the NATIONAL!!!FOOTBALL!!!LEAGUE!!! has come from the arm of Peyton Manning. Andre Johnson has had to deal with errant passes delivered by the likes of David Carr, Sage Rosenfels and Matt Schaub. (I am only going to assume the passes were errant. But based on the names listed, safe assumption). [Ed's Note: Matt Schaub is not really that errant. He is, however, often injured. Which is why Johnson was stuck with the likes of Will Ferrell Rosenfels.] Also, Reggie Wayne played at "The U" and is very good. Why not push for him? Oh, he is from New Orleans

"I could actually walk from my mom's old house to the stadium," Johnson said. "I grew up right there. I always had dreams of playing in Land Shark Stadium."

Then why burn it down? [Ed's Note: Also, he always had dreams of playing in the stadium near his Mom's old house. I can say with great confidence, since I am approximately the same age as Andre Johnson, that it was never "LandShark Stadium" when Johnson was growing up.]

Despite being from the same region as Michael Irvin (Fort Lauderdale St. Thomas Aquinas, old-school UM) and Chad Ochocinco, nee, Johnson (Miami Beach High, cheers for UM, old-school UM in spirit), Johnson refrains from putting much show in his boat. Which leads to . .

This should be good.

He has the perfect personality for this Dolphins regime. Under the Bill Parcells-Jeff Ireland-Tony Sparano ruling triumvirate, the Dolphins prefer consistently loud performances from consistently quiet men. In defending the Dolphins receivers, offensive coordinator Dan Henning is fond of saying how diva receivers can drain the energy from a team.

Lest we forget that Andre Johnson will not be available until 2014.

With cars and wideouts, high performance usually means high maintenance. Not so with Johnson. When Johnson says publicly he would like the ball more, it is rare and comes off more as admission than demand. There is no record of Johnson engaging in any quality trash talk. In fact, the lack of yak and flamboyance keeps Johnson as under the radar as a wide receiver could be with his credentials.

I would like to thank David Neal from refraining from the use of yak, and doing crappy word play with Yard After Catch (YAC). [Ed's Note: Regardless of sparing us that, "lack of yak" equals plaschke-nanigans.]

"I think it is more of my family," said Johnson, explaining his personality. "Just growing up in the house, if you were ever in my mom's house you would probably not even know if anyone was in there because there wasn't really much talking or anything going on unless we were talking amongst each other.

[Ed's Note: Who the hell else would you be talking to?]

My mom is the same way, my brother is the same way, so I think it is just a family thing. We don't really need much attention. A lot of people think that we don't talk, but I do talk. I am not just quiet like everyone thinks."

Unfortunately, the Dolphins are already at their quota of players with great families.

He will take a hit and deliver one, too. The Dolphins lords also want a physical team. Few wide receivers, maybe none with his speed, can claim to be as physical as Johnson, who is 6-3 and 223 pounds.

On a 17-yard touchdown catch against Arizona, Johnson made the grab at the Cardinals' 5-yard line. Linebacker Gerald Hayes went for a demolition-derby hit as Johnson landed. Hayes careened away to the ground. Johnson then blasted former UM teammate Antrel Rolle onto his back before carrying cornerback Bryant McFadden into the end zone.

And he is not available until 2014.

Johnson is loyal. He hasn't made noises about leaving, though Houston has had only one .500 season; he has never finished above third place in the AFC South; and he can't seem to catch a break with injuries.

"I have pretty much been through all the rough times with this organization, except for the first year," Johnson said. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy when I got here. I never thought it would take seven seasons. It is a work in progress. That is what keeps me motivated because I want to do everything I can to help get this organization to its first playoff berth and first Super Bowl."

So it is that the perfect Dolphin for the current era is a Texan.

OK. So let me get this straight: Andre Johnson is a great player. He is from Miami and went to "The U." That makes him perfect for the Miami Dolphins. However, Andre Johnson is neither a soon to be free agent nor demanding a trade. I just summed up in four sentences what took paragraph after paragraph of newspaper space. Thanks for wasting my time David Neal.

fire bucky gleason, total amnesia edition

We've documented here at FBG what can best be termed as a remarkable, and total, lack of any kind of memory about anything Bucky's ever written. In his mind, I doubt he ever contradicts himself. For my world to make sense, I believe that Bucky suffers from the same condition Drew Berrymore had in 50 First Dates. He was in some sort of severe car accident in mid-July of 2007, and can't remember anything from that point on except for today. It would explain why we keep getting the same crap over and over.

Well, except for this, which is probably the closest thing to mea culpa we'll ever get. So I suppose we should appreciate it. michael.w guest posts again. My comments are limited, because I still can't comprehend a complete change of tune like this.

Craig Rivet spent 12-plus seasons in Montreal, more than enough to learn the terrain in the Land of Les Habitants. They appreciated him there for the same reasons he was quickly embraced as captain of the Sabres. Rivet was a good player who provided an honest effort and earned his keep.

"Land of Les Habitants?" Stop it. Please. [Ed's Note: plaschke-nanigans. If you're going to guest post, at least use the lingo.] But it is nice to read that Rivet was appreciated in Montreal for cliched reasons like "effort" and "earning his keep", just like Sabres fans. What they didn't like his "leadership" and what he "brought to the dressing room?"

It's enough to keep critics at a distance, but Rivet found himself in a heap of trouble one year when he ripped Canadiens fans for booing Patrice Brisebois without just cause.

But since they loved him and all his effort and keep earning, the fans were certainly forgiving. That is the impression I get from the paragraph above.

The sentence handed down in the Court of Public Opinion: Rivet was booed every time he touched the puck for the final 10 home games.

Oh.

Six seasons and two teams later, Rivet still hasn't been forgiven in the birthplace of hockey.

"To this day," Rivet said, "I still get booed when I go to Montreal."

So much for his effort.

It's a different animal, Montreal, where rich tradition and passionate fan base are accompanied by intense anger and little patience during seasons like this one. The Habs have won 23 Stanley Cups, none since 1992-93. It marks the longest drought in their storied history. Rivet's biggest crime is being part of their failed past.

Actually they've won 24. It took me ten seconds to verify that. It must be nice to have no professional standards. But at least this minor oversight will be the only problem with this article.

[Ed's Note: Not for nothing, but it appears that Bucky is slamming Habs' fans for a lack of patience. If that's the case, what's his excuse for his attitude towards the Sabres right now? Especially since the "biggest crimes" for most of his whipping posts are really nothing more than "playing for the Sabres."]

With that in mind, you can only imagine how the Canadiens are going over these days. The Habs didn't just lose, 6-2, to the Sabres on Thursday night in HSBC Arena. They were utterly lost for half the game en route to their fourth straight defeat. They showed up for the third period, but it was about two hours too late.

This is not just directed at Bucky, but at EVERY sports analyst. Can we stop with the "show up" and "didn't show up" cliche? Please. The Canadiens showed up. There were several men in Montreal uniforms taking turns on the ice for the first two periods. They just played like crap.

Is this really what their fans wanted? Remember, they pleaded for major changes, and that's what they received. Now, they're stuck with a confused team that has less chemistry than Tiger and Elin.

Yes. This is what the fans wanted. A team that plays like crap. All fans want that. You know what? Miami plays New England Sunday. As a Miami fan, I want them to lose 55 - 0. And I refuse to address the Tiger and Elin reference. It would take too long.

"There's such ultimate pressure to be a great hockey team," Rivet said. "It's not normal like with other teams. It's the Yankees, but the Yankees have the ability to spend as much money as they want to get the best players. In our [salary cap] system, Montreal would be doing it but they can't. So you have to be smart in how you manage the team."

Good point by Rivet about how one must be smart in managing the team. Also, I like Rivet a lot, so I will not get into his misguided comparison to the Yankees. Also, Rivet could, in all likelihood, whip my ass.

General Manager Bob Gainey didn't manage his team. He mismanaged his roster after caving to public pressure. He made the same mistake fans have made for years. He misread the situation and overreacted.

He replaced 13 players when a half-dozen good moves would have been fine.

Hmmm. I remember reading somewhere that the Montreal offseason was a good one. Going so far as to compliment them for be willing to overhaul the roster when something went wrong.

The Habs aren't any bigger or any better. They're just different. Scott Gomez, who scored his third goal Thursday, has 12 points to show for his $8 million salary. Veteran free-agent defenseman Paul Mara is minus-12.

Wow, three goals for Scott Gomez. Puts him exactly one ahead of former Ranger teamate, and the currently equally massively overpaid Chris Drury.

If you're a Sabres' fan, you should appreciate management's decision to take the opposite approach after Buffalo missed the postseason for the second straight season. Fans here were calling for many of the same changes they wanted in Montreal. Fire the coach, dump the GM, unload underachieving superstars, change for the sake of change.

I want to point out, that in a summer diatribe, the Sabres fans were not to appreciate the Sabres management did over the summer. It's in the link above.

Yes, this time doing little or nothing was the right approach. Need evidence? Buffalo had a 3-0 lead in the first nine minutes on goals from Clarke MacArthur, Jason Pominville and Derek Roy — three forwards who have been groomed in Buffalo's system. Each was the result of them properly reading the play and one another.

Nice way to avoid mentioning that Thomas Vanek had three assists in the game, who interestingly enough was also groomed in Buffalo's system. But more shocking is that no mention was made that Tim Kennedy scored a goal. Good restraint.

The Canadiens, meanwhile, weren't sure what they were doing or where they were going. By the looks of things, they're not going anywhere. They're home tonight to officially celebrate their 100-year anniversary with a game against Boston. Their fans will be there waiting for them.

So to conclude, I will call this Bucky's best column ever, despite the shameless 180 and factual issues. He was able to write a full column, and get through it without mentioning any of the following:

- God....errr....Chris Drury
- Tim Kennedy (I have to assume Bucky hears this when he sees Tim Kennedy
- How much Tim Connolly sucks
- [Ed's Note: how much Darcy Regier sucks]
- Why the Sabres should bring Biron back

Impressive work Mr. Gleason.

fire bucky gleason, tailgating

Now, you're probably thinking "Dude, you can't possibly hate tailgating, right? Tailgating is one of the best inventions ever, second only to perhaps high-definition television." I know, I just blew your mind with my psychic abilities. Deal with it. My issue with this piece by Vincent Price Frank Deford is that it's just lazy. Making him our Bucky Gleason of the Day.

Now, I understand that hokey wordplay is supposedly part of Frank Deford's charm. This is meant to be a sort of nostalgia, with flowery language and a touch of "you know." For that reason, I withheld the plaschke-nanigans tag as much as possible (but not entirely). What annoys me is this just seems like "Hey, Frank, we need 400 words or so on something. Pick whatever you want, don't talk to anybody or do any research or anything. We'll take care of the rest by posting a picture of a guy with a cooler."

In the end, I think Frank Deford somehow fancies himself as taking over for David Halberstam in writing amazing prose about anything and everything (including, often, sports). However, Deford misses way more often than he hits. Perhaps a byproduct of working with Bryant Gumbel on a sensationalist HBO program. I don't know. I do know I don't like what he wrote here, even if I love what he decided to write about.

I can't remember the last picnic I went on. I mean one of those classic old-fashioned picnics where you take a blanket and a hamper,

Hamper? You bring your laundry on a picnic with you?

a cooler, maybe, or a thermos, and drive out to the countryside and sit down peacefully in a lovely field of wild flowers, alone with nature, and ... have a picnic.

Explain the ellipsis, sir. Now.

Really, does anybody do that anymore?

Probably, unless you have to be out in the countryside among wild flowers. I go on a picnic annually, though I leave the laundry at home and it's not in a field of wild flowers.

But, of course, what Americans do now is tailgate, that grand old football tradition.

What? Tailgating? I thought we were talking about picnics? What the hell happened? Where was your transition? This is like a conversation with my father, where he'll randomly stop one line of thought and start another without, you know, telling you.

Jammed together, on asphalt, 'midst exhaust fumes and exhausting vulgarities.

Plaschke-nanigans. Again, I'm prepared for wordplay. But if you do it poorly, you're tagged.

Tailgating seems pretty much an American institution confined pretty much, in sports, to football.

"because I don't feel like talking to any other sports fans or thinking hard, really."

Even on soft Summer days, most baseball fans, arriving at the park early, will eschew the charms of the parking lot and rush inside to watch batting practice.

Don't know about that, dude. There was some pretty solid tailgating going on in Philly this past July. Also, why is summer capitalized?

But even late in the season, football fans will tailgate, foregathering on the cold, hard tarmac for hours, dining al fresco Americano, when it's cold and raw and very un-picnicy.

At least he connected it to his picnic hook. Despite the fact that any fourth grader can tell you if you're going to conjugate or change "picnic" you add a "k" ("picnicked"). So that should be "un-picnicky." More importantly, though-

ATTENTION ALL TAILGATERS ON THE TARMAC: PLEASE WATCH FOR ARRIVING AND DEPARTING AIRCRAFT

There is nothing selective about tailgaiting. It crosses all ethnic, racial and religious lines. You just have to like football, and, likewise, alcoholic beverages. You don't even have to have a vehicle with a tailgate in order to tailgate.

I suppose the reason tailgating originated with football is because football games only come once a week and are events.

True.

In fact, traditionally -- especially at college games -- we refer to football "weekends," not merely football games.

What? When? Where? Who?

They don't sell corsages at hockey games, do they?

I've never seen them sold at football games. What are you talking about? I know some southern football college games try to high-end their tailgating, but that doesn't change the fact that most tailgaters are folks drinking beer and trying to keep warm.

There was once an episode on The Simpsons, the essence of which was that tailgating was more important than the game. This is not, I do not believe, an opinion held only by Homer Simpson.

Depending on the game, tailgating can be more important. Just ask Lion, Raider, and Bills fans.

And while tailgating has never fully migrated to other sports,

Now, I just said they did it before two Phillies games. And I've done it before Sabres games (noting that we were certainly not alone there either). I think what it boils down to more than anything is time. When the puck drops, or the first pitch is thrown, at 7, fans don't really have much time to leave work, change, get to the venue, and have enough time to fire up the grill and throw back a few cold ones. This applies to football, too. At Monday Night Football, the tailgating was still going on, but only a small fraction of what it usually is. In this way football is brilliant: fans have all week to get amped up about games, and budget their entire day to be at the stadium. With a game at 1, there's no shame in getting breakfast in the parking lot at 9, lunch at 11, and being drunk all the while. Football lends itself best to tailgating. But stop saying nobody else does it, because it makes you look stupid and lazy.

there is one other entertainment where it has caught on: rock concerts.

I've already shown that SI.com's editorial staff got a bit lax here, but this needs some editing:
there is one other entertainment where it has caught on: rock concerts.

As someone who's attended many a country music show, tailgating is not somehow limited to rock.

We used to think that the most popular item consumed by concert-goers was weed, and while that sort of thing has hardly gone out now, I am assured by my crack concert spies that nowadays the primary smell wafting around parking lots before concerts is more likely just to be that of good old all-American football-style hamburgers on the grill.

Depends on the concert. And while I know "crack" here is not meant in a drug related sense, you confuse your audience by throwing it in there so close to "weed."

Concert tailgating appears to be limited, however. It is more likely to be the case where aging entertainers, like Bruce Springsteen or U2, are performing. They attract a more mature, boomer audience. Teenyboppers don't tailgate.

Again, no research. Teenyboppers, infants, newborns, those still in utero, everybody tailgates at football games. I've heard "exhausting vulgarities" streaming out of the mouths of babes in the Ralph Wilson Stadium lots more than I'd care to admit.

Tailgating is a sign of growing up.

No it isn't. Tailgating is a sign of getting tickets. Or a sign of knowing somebody who got tickets. Or a sign of just feeling like heading down to the stadium to hang out before the game.

People tailgate before the Santa Fe Opera. Honestly.

Wait, what? Doesn't this blow your entire premise to hell? I thought tailgating was a purely gridiron affair that nobody else does ever because of "football weekends" with corsages and all-American hamburgers? And now the snobs just outside the opera are tailgating? I mean, good for them. I'm sure it's fun ("Let's go woodwinds, let's go!"), but if they're tailgating at the opera, they're tailgating just about anywhere else.

Now that I think of it, I wasted a perfectly good opportunity by not tailgating before my son's baptism ("Hey, Father, think fast!"). Next time.

And, of course, another reason why tailgating has superceded picnics is because at least there ain't no ants in stadium parking lots.

Superseded. There may not be any ants in the field of wildflowers either. You know what is in the stadium parking lots in lieu of ants? Actually, I'd rather not think of it.

So, in sum: tailgating is for football, except for when it isn't. It's also very American. And awesome. That's right, I just wrote Deford's column in eighteen words. Better, too.

shenanigans

Normally these posts have "fire bucky gleason" in the title somewhere because, well, the man probably should be fired. He currently hates just about every Sabre not named Tyler Myers or Tim Kennedy, and will go to just about any length he can to say Buffalo's front office is a bunch of inept cowards that don't Make Moves.

Now, it's very early in the season, but the two teams that were the envy of Bucky Gleason, Montreal and Toronto, because they were so active in the offseason currently have a combined five (5) points in twelve games. Not exactly jumping out of the gate are they? Hell, Montreal couldn't score an equalizer late in the game last night despite skating seven guys. For those of you who may only know as much about hockey as Bucky, a team can only put six guys on the ice at a time, one of them usually being a goalie.

So, here, we've tried to be a voice of reason. Guys like Tallinder, Lydman, Connolly, and even Max (at times) weren't nearly as bad as they were being made out to be. Drury, Briere, Campbell, and Biron were certainly good players, but the Buffalo News' apotheosis of those guys gave rise to us coining "buckyperbole." But after all that vitriol, we get this, without any sort of mea culpa.

It's a big reason I'm not a huge fan of many sportswriters.

Henrik Tallinder was getting grief from almost every angle last season, a good chunk of which was spent getting chunks taken out of him.

Plaschke-nanigans. In the first sentence? Really?

His coach publicly criticized him.

This is actually one of the things that makes hockey so endearing to me. Coaches and other players call each other out, whereas in other sports (I may or may not be thinking of football here) are so terrified of "bulletin board material" they choose to say little. Or, if you're a New England Patriot, nothing at all.

Fans pointed toward him as a primary problem. The media, not to mention opposing forwards, took turns throwing him down and kicking him around.

Bucky left out "especially me, because I still haven't forgiven Darcy Regier for not resigning Chris Drury, so if it looks like one of his signings may not be working out I'm going to jump all over it. Truth be damned."

It seemed everybody wanted to spank Hank,

Plaschke-nanigans. If he does it again I'm going to start adding the tag multiple times.

but you know who was most upset with Tallinder becoming a shell of his former self? Henrik Tallinder. The Sabres' 30-year-old veteran defenseman was so low that he suggested, and many agreed, a change in scenery might be the best remedy for a stale career tumbling downhill.

Since the Buffalo News doesn't appear to have a sports editor, or, if it does, that sports editor appears to be Warren Buffett's golden retriever, some editing here is in order:
The Sabres' 30-year-old veteran defenseman was so low that he suggested at some point it came up in a conversation, and many agreed I refused to let go of it for months and months (including up to the present), a change in scenery might be the best remedy for a stale career tumbling downhill.

There. That's better.

Tallinder four years ago was considered the Sabres' best defenseman — back when they twice reached the conference finals with a roster that included Brian Campbell — before a steady decline for two straight seasons.

What's that? When Tallinder signed his contract he was considered one of the best defencemen on the roster? Seriously? Then why, in the name Rene Robert, do you insist on crucifying the general manager for trying to keep him on the roster? Getting mad at Tallinder's contract is like getting mad at Max's contract. These were two of your best players. If Darcy should've walked away from them, walking away from Drury and Briere is equally brilliant.

Injuries contributed to his downfall, but there was no getting around the fact that he was regressing, not to mention depreciating.

For somebody that spends so much time complaining about how the front office is so conscious of the salary cap and talks about it so often, you certainly spend a lot of time harping on players' value in terms of their contract. This is just "Chris Drury the asset" all over again.

Once he lost his bang, the Sabres lost their buck.

Plaschke-nanigans. Stop. Just stop.

"I didn't feel comfortable with myself. I wasn't miserable all the time, but a lot of times I didn't play that well and it took a toll. It doesn't work. [Playing poorly] doesn't make me a worse person, but I took it like that, which is bad.

According to local experts, playing poorly does make you a worse person. A string of poor play got Tallinder pilloried, such that he suddenly needed to get shipped out. It didn't, and still doesn't, seem prudent, yet you'd never know reading the paper or listening to WGR. The local media has a responsibility to be honest, but I can't take the extremes and the biased views. Hence, these posts here.

Tallinder has been solid while playing alongside longer, lankier rookie Tyler Myers. Tallinder didn't have a point but was plus-5 Tuesday against the Detroit Red Wings, his best plus-minus rating since a plus-6 in a blowout over the Flyers during the 2005-06 playoffs.

Wow, so he's good again? Awesome! I'm sure what will follow is a nice admission that allowing Tallinder to play through his troubles and that Darcy Regier, like any GM, needs to take risks with players pretty much daily and that this one is paying off now.

Myers had an assist and was plus-3 against the Wings.

Or we're going to get an irrelevant stat about Tyler Myers. Sigh.

"He's been a huge help for me," Myers said. "He's just always talking, helping me in certain situations when we're on the ice. During the games, he's always in my ear. I really like that. Any advice he can give me, I'm really happy to take."

He's helping a young rookie. Nice. Knowing that he's mentoring your favorite defenceman ever we'll definitely get an "OK, I was a little wrong, and keeping Tallinder was a good idea."

The Sabres aren't exactly short on size with the pairing, which was thrown together just before the opener. The 6-foot-3 Tallinder and 6-8 Myers found instant chemistry and could be the Sabres' most consistent tandem through the first four games.

OK, not only is he playing better he's doing so consistently. So, apology...

"He's gaining confidence," Ruff said of Tallinder. "It's a "real good, feel good,'

Sorry Lindy, plaschke-nanigans on you too. Beware, people, this appears to be a new, highly contagious, strain. Ask your physician for a vaccine when (s)he tells you they're all out of swine flu shots.

The Sabres were believed to be shopping him over the summer.

Again, this needs some editing:
The Sabres were believed to be shopping him over the summer. I've been saying since, like, last November this dead weight needed to be shipped out of town.

They either couldn't find a team willing to accept his $3.25 million salary for this season or couldn't get enough in return. If he keeps playing well, it could be a great move never made.

FINALLY!!!! Sort of. All he says is it could be a great move, but never actually admits that if this turns out to be a great move, he was completely, wholly, entirely, wrong.

Plus-minus rating can be misleading, but it can be an indicator over the course of a season.

So, plus-minus is a worthless stat except for when it's not a worthless stat? We almost made it through one of these without a completely worthless sentence that effectively says nothing. Maybe next time.

For what it's worth, Tallinder is leading the Sabres through four games with a plus-6. Myers, second with a plus-4, says the veteran has helped him get adjusted to the NHL. Tallinder says the kid has helped rejuvenate his game.

Tyler Myers. Not only is he Big T, with a great upside, a giant physique, and very strong early returns in terms of his play, he also makes the guys around him better. Cue the cliches!!

fire bucky gleason, new mancrush edition

OK, so if you've read Bucky Gleason for the past six months or so you know this isn't a "new" mancrush. He's had it for a while. Only now, with Tyler Myers very close to a possible NHL debut, Bucky gets to harp on it. If Myers is returned to juniors, brace yourself for passing mentions in every column about how stupid the Sabres are for not playing a 19 year old kid.

I use the term "mancrush" because it is my sincere hope that Tyler Myers does not reciprocate any of Bucky's feelings. I have the same hope for Chris Drury. Personally, I believe that in a desk drawer in Bucky's office (or cubicle, or whatever they get over at the News) there is a notebook covered in red ink much like you'd find in a thirteen year old girl's diary, saying things like "I heart Chris Drury" and "Mrs. Chris Drury" and "Mr. and Mrs. Chris and Bucky Drury." Given Bucky's level of affection for Jesus "Chris" Drury, I wouldn't put it past him.

My brother got to this first, so I added some comments because it's my blog dammit.

Thirty years later, Lindy Ruff sounded as if that sick feeling was still churning in his stomach. He was a 19-year-old kid who didn't know what to expect in 1979 when he arrived for his first training camp and saw beasts like Jerry Korab, Jim Schoenfeld and Larry Playfair milling around the Sabres' dressing room.

OK, so this isn't all bad, considering the source. A decent, well presented opening paragraph. Maybe we will go without stupid hyperbole and metaphor, no reference to Sabres bad management, no tired, overused sports cliche, and instead, get a thoughtful column about a bright, young, up and coming Sabres defenceman.

Anyone would have been intimidated. Korab's nickname was King Kong for a reason.

My bad. While I certainly realize I view the world through my extremely sophomoric eyes, it should go without saying that a sentence discussing men in a dressing room, should not be followed by a sentence referring to a man with a nickname "King Kong." Unless the sentence is being written in an Austin Powers movie script.

Schoenfeld was entering his eighth season and already had established himself as a tough customer in the NHL. Playfair would soon enjoy more knockouts than Hugh Hefner.

For the record, it is in paragraph two where we find the first stupid metaphor

"Every guy was 6-4, 200-something [pounds],"

I realize that the media industry generally writes at a six grade level (and based on the paragraph above, a six grade boy's level), but I really don't think we needed the parenthetical clarification of pounds. Do you think one would read that and wonder, "What, 200 meters? 200 degrees centigrade?"

Ruff said. "I thought, "Oh, crap, get me back to juniors.' That's how you feel as a young kid."Ruff spent his first season learning on the fly. In 63 games, he had five goals, 18 points and 38 penalty minutes as a part-time player refining his skills and adjusting to the league. A year later, he was stronger and grittier and finished with eight goals, 26 points and 121 penalty minutes. The next season, he had 16 goals, 48 points and 194 penalty minutes.

For these keeping track, we have now read three paragraphs and there have been exactly zero references to the headline topic, Tyler Myers.

The Sabres should keep that in mind when they decide whether to keep 6-foot-8 defenseman Tyler Myers or send him back to juniors with nothing to prove. The 19-year-old is not eligible to play in Portland based on rules in the collective bargaining agreement. Clauses exist in which he can play 10 games or more and be shipped back, but they're not viable options for various reasons.

ALRIGHT!!!!! FINALLY!!! A reference to Tyler Myers!! I doubt he would have nothing to prove in juniors. After all, if he goes down and plays terribly, he could prove not ready for the NHL. He could prove that the additional season in juniors actually helped his development. He could prove Einstein's Theory of Relativity to bunk. (Oops, bad metaphor, it's contagious).

Basically, they have nine regular-season games to make up their minds.

In reality, they have 10. Which, is 1/8 of the season or 12.5 %. Not a substantial body of work, but not nothing.

Ruff sounded as if the Sabres were teetering on Myers, but it should be a no-brainer.

I have to step aside here, the column's author could be qualified in a court of law as an expert in "no-brainers."

[Ed.'s Note: Not for nothing, but he's 19. Talent doesn't manifest in the NHL at 19 very often. Juniors may not be the worst choice.]

Keep the kid in Buffalo and groom him.

And hopefully he will not frequently find himself a healthy scratch being groomed for nothing but learning how to efficiently sit in a luxury suite. Which I can say from personal experience, is not very difficult to learn.

Surround him with NHL players and coaches.

If he stays in Buffalo, I think it is a given he will be surrounded by NHL players and coaches. I doubt he would end up surrounded by bar league players and mite coaches. The only exception would be if he played for Phoenix.

Give him a year under Doug McKenney, one of the best strength and conditioning coaches in the business, and help him mature.

Of course everyone matures in such an environment, I cannot think of a single Sabre player who has not matured over the past several years. After all, it is....what?.....Oh....I guess Derek Roy is still on the team. My bad.

[Ed.'s Note: Shenanigans. I guarantee you Bucky wrote that sentence only to demonstrate that he knows the name of the Sabres' strength and conditioning coach. Oh yeah, dude? Well, the sister-in-law of the matron of honor at my wedding is a part-time x-ray technician for the Sabres. So THERE!]

Myers was so skinny last year that the Sabres could have wired him back to Kelowna,

I congratulate him for getting through four paragraphs without using a bad metaphor.

[Ed.'s Note: We're not so heartless around here that we don't acknowledge a personal record when they're set.

but that's no longer the case. Ruff said he gained nearly 25 pounds since the beginning of last summer and was pushing 230.

Not for nothing, but I weigh 225, and am a diminuitive 6'0" when compared to Myers. So he isn't huge either. Of course, I am only assuming the 230 is a reference to pounds, since we were not fortunate enough to get a parenthetical clarification as we did above. So strike what I said in the first few sentences as pure and rampant speculation.

He's stronger and more confident after playing well for Canada in the world junior championships. Fifty or so games with the big boys would only make him better.

Or thwart his development with little ice time, injury issues because the big boys can push him around or just a loss in confidence from an inability to play with the big boys.

[Ed.'s Note: Again, the kid's 19. The list of 19 year olds prepared to take on NHL talent nightly is pretty limited.]

Ruff talked about the development process, making sure Big T goes from A to D

What?

[Ed.'s Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Haven't been able to pull that one out in a while. Thanks, Buck.]

without skipping B and C.

WHAT?

Fair enough, but by keeping him they can accelerate the middle steps and make him the A-plus D-man they've lacked for years.

WHAT THE F&%@?!?! STOP WITH ALL THE STUPID LETTERS!

He certainly wouldn't be the first teenager to make the leap from major junior to the NHL.

He also wouldn't be the first teenager to struggle with the leap from juniors to the NHL. But way to use the exception as an illustration of the rule.

[Ed.'s Note: There you have it folks, Tyler Myers is Sidney Crosby. I think in this instance we're going to have to invent a new term here at FBG. It's called "buckyperbole," and it's defined as when Bucky shamelessly inflates either the potential of a player the Sabres don't currently have on the ice (Myers, Tim Kennedy, James Wisniewski, Jay Bouwmeester) or overexaggerates how bad other players are (Tim Connolly, Henrik Tallinder, Toni Lydman, pretty much every Sabre in the post-lockout era who's last name isn't Drury, Briere, or Campbell. On the plus side, new tag! Woo!]

Let's hope money isn't an issue. History suggests the Sabres are worried about starting the clock on his contract, which would get him get back to the bargaining table for dough a year sooner after his three-year rookie deal expires.

Dammit to hell! I really thought he could get through the whole thing without a reference to management and (his opinion) their terrible practices. I really ought to know better by now.

[Ed.'s Note: Yes, you should know better. And, once again, this may not be unreasonable front office decision making. The kid's 19. Another year in juniors means we get him until he's 23. Plus, we have Lydman and Tallinder in contract years on what's an already crowded blue line. Maybe waiting until those two spots open up makes more sense, since Myers would have a better shot at ice time and would therefore be "groomed" more.]

If their roster is overcrowded, make room even if it means waiving a veteran. Toni Lydman and Henrik Tallinder, headed toward unrestricted free agency and not part of the Sabres' long-term future, are good candidates. The Sabres missed the playoffs with them, so they can certainly do the same without them.

Yes, waive a proven NHL asset (Albeit neither great by any stretch, but they have proven able to play NHL minutes). Get nothing in return. Rely on a wild card and hope it works. Sounds like a great plan to me. And I am glad to see that, in the last sentence, we were able to get a sports cliche thrown into the mix.

[Ed.'s Note: I will put some work into demonstrating why waiving Lydman and Tallinder (or just one of those guys) is incredibly stupid. I feel it necessary, because boneheaded gut reactions is what destroys your salary cap. I just don't have the time right now.]

No matter, the kid needs to stay. The Sabres would need to live with his mistakes

At which point I can write columns tearing him up for not being "ready" for the NHL.

knowing he'll improve as he becomes more comfortable. His teammates believe he belongs.

Thanks for quoting a teammate to verify that.

[Ed.'s Note: Thanks for quoting ANYONE to verify that. Someday we'll be introduced to the voices inside Bucky's head that serve as his "sources."]

Ruff acknowledged that Myers is pushing them more than they're pulling him.

Another sports cliche, check.

Myers knew deep down last season that he wasn't prepared for the NHL. Now, he's certain he can. What a difference a year makes. Just ask his coach.

"I do think I'm ready," Myers said. "I need to show that consistency where I can play at this level. I wasn't ready last year. I came into camp wanting to make an impression. It's a lot different this time. I'm looking to make a team."

OK, glad we were finally able to get a quotation from the headlined subject. Disappointed (though not surprised) that it was in the final paragraph after stupid hyperbole, sports cliches and ripping into Sabres management (also no great shock). And it isn't like we got great insight from the kid. We got a few sentences he probably was reading ought of the "Athlete's Handbook for Dealing with the Media: How to say lots of words and say nothing at all" I don't blame Myers, I blame Bucky. I am sure his only questions to Myers were merely countless variations of: "Don't you think the front office sucks if they don't keep you in the NHL this year?

[Ed.'s Note: Not for nothing, but what is "Big T" supposed to say here? "Are you mental, dude? I'm 19, and nobody outside of your column and the Sabres' scouting department knows who I am. I could use another year to develop, so your whole premise here is bunk. But thanks for the vote of confidence."]

fire leonard from lackawanna

Normally I wouldn't go so far as to call for a guy's head I've never met, especially because I have no idea what he actually does for a living. But if, for whatever reason, his job involves using the English language in any capacity this monstrosity of a letter to the editor serves as grounds for immediate dismissal. Seriously. michael.w makes another guest appearance, with my notes sprinkled in.

It’s that time of year for a hockey fan. I watched one lap of a NASCAR race, and well, got it, put a fork in it. The Yankees are trying to stay healthy and mimic a contender but time waits for no one, too old. So we get titillated, the NHL draft, prospects we are told but around here hope that someone, hopefully many someones will mature in 60 days and oooh, ahhhhh . . . you know. But alas, Bucky Gleason incisively makes the situation clear, thou fool, Quinn still abides and we are but fools, again. Tough but cheap the new acquisition is, Bob Corkum lives. But we still hope. Hope against hope and we pay to fill the arena and ka-ching is the tune heard in Florida.

[Ed's Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Also, what?]

First and foremost (and so as not to repeat over and over again), you are writing a letter to the editor, not auditioning for a award in prose, or some other fancy writing contest. All that is missing is "Quoth the raven, nevermore." Who the hell made you watch NASCAR in the first place? And put a fork in it? The reality is, more people watch NASCAR than hockey. There are also other very interesting teams contending in this year's pennant races, not named the Yankees (See Red Sox, "Devil" Rays, Dodgers, and my personal favorite, Defending World Champion Phillies). Titillated by the NHL Draft, and you are trashing NASCAR. Cars turning left is a bit more "titillating" than guys naming names. And again, to get Language Arts dork, is "thou fool" modifying Larry Quinn or Bucky Gleason? And go ahead and compare Steve Montador to Bob Corkum because it makes you feel good. But it isn't close.

When I was a lad, hockey was the beautiful competitive challenge it should be. Then somewhere on that road I realized it’s a business. Giving the business to a Sabres fan has become an art form and ka-ching without blushing has become the background music on the elevators at the arena.

[Ed's Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Also, what?]

I also think hockey was a beautiful competitive challenge, whatever that means. Sadly the trap has re-emerged, dump and chase is...why I am arguing this? This idiot doesn't care. Sports stopped being "beatiful competitive challenges" long ago. Grow up and get over it. And the "ka-ching" is monumentally important. Without the "ka-ching", the Sabres wouldn't even have the ability to sign Bob Montador, or Steve Corkum.

Alas from the Book of Bucky we read the lamentations. We read them but we hope, hope against hope, that pride can be restored and ka-ching could become an embarrassing interlude before legitimately trying to assemble a team to win the Stanley Cup, yes win the Stanley Cup, and that these everyday annoyances will be put where they’ve always belonged.

[Ed's Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Also...nevermind. I can't keep this up. Thank you, however, for finally admitting that all the pissing and moaning about the Sabres front office qualifies as an "everyday annoyance" that belongs somewhere else than on the sports pages.]

Comparing Bucky's one note samba to the Bible? This guy needs an intervention. Seriously, not any intervention, he needs Jeff, the fat guy with the mustache from the TV show "Intervention" to inform him of the plane ticket that is ready. Leonard's family needs to meet in a hotel suite and read letters. It is that bad. By the way, not get all homer here, but there is a team, that held true to their plan, stayed with their draft picks, developed them, and when they all hit their prime, won a championship. All without overpaying for free agents, letting players walk when they got old and expensive and in the face of a fan base and media far more caustic than the local hacks. (Hint: They are mentioned above).

That place cannot be revealed so civility and good taste can and will remain on the sports pages of The Buffalo News.

Yes, when I read the Buffalo News' references to B. Thomas Golisano, Larry Quinn and Darcy Regier, the first two terms that come to mind are "civility" and "good taste"

The team changes when the intangible becomes the tangible and ka-ching is just a happy byproduct of having a premise, defining it and clearly making it the mission statement for the entire organization. But keeping those seats filled is just an endorsement of mediocrity and why change if that’s all kaching will ever mean. Any paradigm shift has to be shocking. To the owners when they start seeing empty seats. To the administration when its jobs are on the line.

To all you English majors: this paragraph is for you. I have no idea what this guy is talking about. It seems as though all he wants to is string together semi-big, important sounding words. In the spirit of that: res ipsa loquitor, habeas corpus, unlawful search and seizure, forensic evidence and res gestae.

[Ed' Note: I am an English major, and I have no idea what anything this guy is saying means.]

Here’s the tough one: enlightening the majority owner about the game and the heart that is needed to play it and kaching must be rewritten. Making someone a minority owner hoping he can restore that heart when he more or less altered it irreversibly is the fly in the ointment. Ka-ching must become ka-change. The sooner the better.

Ok, that is two paragraphs trying to string together big words.

[Ed's Note: Yes I am stealing this from Fire Joe Morgan, but only because I can't think of any other piece ever qualifying for it more than this. 'Dear Leonard: The English language called, it wanted to know why you hate it so much.']

fire bucky gleason, guest edition

To demonstrate that I'm not the only one who thinks the Buffalo News sports columnists are hypocritical windbags, today I'm featuring a guest blogger. He happens to be my brother, so we'll call him "michael.w" in order to make his name look like mine. I've made some editorial notes where I think there needs to be additional illumination. Enjoy. Or don't, whatever.

Today's Bucky Gleason of the Day is the man himself.

Kovalev is a different sort, one who needed a few mental health days last season after crumbling under the pressure that comes with playing in Montreal. He’s no Heatley at this stage in their careers, but at age 36 he remains among the better forwards in the league and worth $10 million over two years.

So I presume had he signed with the Sabres, all of his mental health days would be forgiven. After all, it isn't as though a certain newspaper filled a lot of inches with columns questioning the Sabres' heart, mental toughness, and grit over the past two years. But since he signs with a team not named the Sabres, a player (Kovalev) who is obviously a head case, is wonderful, warts and all.

That alone makes it a good move.

Not to get all Language Arts geek here, but that sentence followed the first paragraph, which list two positives about Kovalev. So which one "alone" makes it a good move?

Leafs GM Brian Burke stiffened his blue line last week when he locked up Mike Komisarek with a five-year contract worth $22.5 million and added bruiser Francois Beauchemin on Monday with a three-year deal worth $11.4 million. He landed Jonas Gustavsson, the best goalie in Europe, for $810,000. All three were good buys.

I like Beauchemin. I guess I was away when Komisarek became the reincarnation of Bobby Orr and Scott Stevens combined (this is directed at pretty much everyone). And Gustavsson, OK. Of all the people touting as the best goalie ever, how many of them have actually seen him, I don't know, play a single minute of hockey?

There’s good buys, and there’s good-byes. Montreal has been familiar with both during a dizzy week. The Habs lost good players in Komisarek and Kovalev, will likely lose Saku Koivu and could be without Alex Tanguay and Robert Lang. But they picked up Scott Gomez in the swap that sent Christopher Higgins to the Rangers and signed free agents Mike Cammalleri, Brian Gionta and Jaroslav Spacek. Not great, but not bad.

[Ed's Note: "good buys and good-byes" qualifies as what I'm going to call "plaschke-nanigans." To understand what I'm talking about you'll have to review Fire Joe Morgan, but lame attempts at awful wordplay will get you called out on this blog. Knock it off, or go start writing dialogue for Horatio Caine on CSI: Miami.]

Wait, I thought good teams never lose players. In return, they received a player who was outside MSG with a "PLEASE TRADE FOR ME" sign around his neck (Gomez), a player who put up big numbers with Jarome Iginla (Cammalleri), which I believe I could also do, a player whose production has declined remarkably over the past three seasons (Gionta) and player who sucked until he left the Sabres, at which point, like every other player who isn't on the Sabres anymore, becomes a certain Hall of Famer (Spacek).

We could argue all day about the Habs, but at least they’re willing to overhaul their roster and make the attempt to get back into contention. They knew their chemistry was poor, so they fired their coach and made drastic personnel changes. And, remember, they actually made the playoffs last season.

They made drastic personnel changes, yes. What if these changes turn out to be wrong? [Ed's Note: See Lightning, Tampa Bay, 2008-09] I mean after all, it is like three months from the drop of the puck. But yes, they did something. Of course, if my car is low on gas, I could try to solve the problem by slashing my tires, that also would be "Doing something"

The Bruins have been quiet in free agency but they’re keeping a good team together. They re-signed goalie Tim Thomas in April, locked up David Krejci last week and kept Mark Recchi. They’re still looking to sign or trade Phil Kessel. Either way, they’ll be fine.

So they locked up their goalie and young player. Didn't a team do that last season? A team whose front office is often the target of scathing criticism from the author of the column? And how do you know that either way, they'll be fine? What if Tim Thomas proves to be a flash in the pan goalie who played above his head one season (See Brian Boucher, Roman Chechmanek, Andrew Raycroft, Evegyni Nabakov). Then they won't be fine.

You can see where this is going. Take a few twirls around the Northeast Division, and all but one team is either making significant attempts to improve or doing what they can to keep what’s in place. The Senators and Canadiens have playoff talent. Boston should be back near the top of the division. The Leafs will only get better.

The Canadiens snuck into the playoffs, the Senators finished out of the playoffs and are probably going to have deal, you know, their top scorer. Alfreddson is getting old fast. Of course the Leafs will get better. They sucked the past 4 seasons. They cannot get worse.

The Sabres are doing, well, nothing. Their idea of upgrading the organization so far has been signing Steve Montador. What, Doug Janik wasn’t available? If anything, they’re actually worse. Spacek wasn’t worth the money he’s collecting from Montreal, but dropping him and adding Montador is a net loss.

[Ed's Note: Doug Janik was available. He was part of the Gomez deal. At least read the entire transaction, moron. He also scored a goal in Game 7 against Carolina in '06. So I have nothing against Doug Janik.]

Steve Montador, a perennial top 6 defenceman everywhere he goes, compared to a guy who isn't even on an NHL roster. And I thought, again, that the criticism of the Sabres, as evidenced by previous columns, was the Sabres are not "tough enough" in the back end. Montador is tough. Spacek is not an enforcer.

Say what you will about the Bills, but at least they signed Terrell Owens and used his star power to turn the attention, for now, away from Dick Jauron. At least you know what they’re selling.

So if there is notorious locker dumpster fire on the downside of his career available, the Sabres should sign him. Again with the whole "doing something"

The Sabres, meanwhile, are selling . . . well . . . what, exactly? They finished 10th in the conference last season. They haven’t signed Drew Stafford or any other restricted free agents. They haven’t made any trades. To improve they’ll need much more than the Craig Rivettype moves they made last year.

They tendered an offer to Stafford. I also notice that no other team has signed their RFA's. [Ed's Note: Chicago has, but only because Dale Tallon effed up big time.] Perhaps the sides are, I don't know, negotiating terms. And what is this "Rivettype" move he speaks. The Sabres never "do something" I guess I also missed the news release that the NHL offseason has come to a completion.

Bet the house on some flunky in the organization explaining away another listless summer by saying how they tried signing players but couldn’t convince them to come here, the old blame-Buffalo excuse, without understanding the reason why.

Wow, an actual fact. He stumbled into it. But the facts are (look up census numbers and population shift numbers) when given choices, people frequently choose environs other than the Greater Buffalo area to live and work.