fire bucky gleason, quadrennial edition part two

Perhaps the worst thing that could've happened in the Olympics would've been Chris Drury scoring a crucial goal in an important game. Because then Bucky would be somewhat legitimized in writing essentially the same love letter he's been writing since Drury was inexplicably and unjustifiably insulted by Darcy Regier in 2007. Such that he was forced, in order to maintain his dignity, to sign a bloated contract offer from Glen Sather. Unfortunately, such fears came to pass.

What annoys me is the broad statements about 1. how lousy Canadian athletes in general are, and 2. how lousy the Canadian hockey team is. When, with half the Olympics to go, nobody was in a position to really say either. Micro-analysis is stupid in sports, even though sports journalists are guilty of it. To a fault. For example, the Sabres power play is currently like 2-78 or something in the last fifteen games. That sucks. But when they finally snapped their power play drought, they lost. In the previous game, one in which they didn't score a power play goal, they won 5-3. So, while a strong power play is certainly helpful in winning games, perhaps it's nothing more than correlative. Micro-analysis is stupid. Yet, here we are.

I have added some comments, in italics because they're generally funnier than what michael.w provided.

Lindy Ruff must have been having flashbacks Sunday evening as he stood behind the bench watching the whole thing unfold. Roll back the clocks a few years, back to when the Sabres marched to back-to-back conference finals and Ryan Miller would keep his team in games long enough for Chris Drury to win them.

Ruff wasn't available after Miller led the United States to a 5-3 upset victory over Canada, with plenty of help from his old buddy Drury, but something tells me he was a conflicted assistant coach for Canada following the game.

That happened once in the 2007 playoffs against the Rangers. And lest we forget that it was not Chris Drury who won that game he tied it. Max Afinogenov won the game.

Damn those guys, but somewhere deep down, good for them.

"Memories, huh," Miller said with a smile after making 42 saves in one of the best games of his career. "We're making new ones here."

Nobody should have any problem remembering this one for a while. The tension was palpable hours before the game and grew more intense inside as the slugfest carried along.

Slugfest. Yes I get it, the Sabres uniform looks like a slug.

And then there were the dizzying, suffocating, excruciating final 3½ minutes with Drury blocking shots and Miller making saves and, good heavens, get the puck out of the zone.

"Yeah," Drury said afterward. "It seemed like they had eight or nine guys out there."

See that, Chris Drury can shut down eight or nine guys!

[Ed's Note: That is, of course, because Chris Drury has the hockey talent, strength, and acumen of nine or ten guys. That's why he's paid so much. When you have Drury on your team, you only need to have three or four other skaters on the bench.]

Heck, anyone watching was exhausted.

Not anyone. I was quite comfortable. Sitting. Watching. Texting about 800 people about the game.

Drury didn't score the winner, but he had a big goal to give the Americans a 3-2 lead in the second period when he buried a loose puck.

In the Bucky Gleason dictionary, "Big Goal" is defined as "any goal scored by Chris Drury"

[Ed's Note: I just feel like it's worth noting that Drury did not score the game-winning goal. He scored the third goal of five. The Americans won 5-3. Each goal was important, but no bigger than any other. Kesler's hard-working clutch big gritty unnecessary empty net goal was probably more impressive.]

With the Yanks clinging to a 4-3 lead and the Canadians threatening to score for what felt like a month, he helped clear the zone with just more than a minute remaining.

Yanks? Was Jeter playing? Did A-Rod run Crosby into the boards. And if we are going to use quasi-offensive terms, why weren't Canadians "Canucks?"

[Ed's Note: Jeter was playing. Derek Jeter is the Chris Drury of baseball. To be entirely honest, between Jeter and Drury I'm surprised New York City hasn't melted to the ground what with all the clutch.]

"It was always great to play with Chris,"Miller Bucky Gleason said. "He was always a big-game player."

Vancouver Canucks forward Ryan Kesler's scored into an empty net moments later, and a collective moan could be heard from a sold-out crowd in his home building if not across this proud but suddenly very nervous hockey nation.

It wasn't "collective" because many people in attendance were cheering for Team USA and were pleased by Kesler's efforts. By the way, Miller played out of his effing skull and Rafalski had two goals. I am not a journalist, but in the interests of covering for someone else's lame attempt at journalism, I decided to mention that.

The rationale behind Canada's ambitious "Own the Podium" initiative made sense on the surface. Our neighbors needed a unifying cry with the 2010 Winter Olympics being staged on their home soil. It was designed to intensify training and provide better results.

Yes that long three day training period. After all, they needed it. All these player showed up so out of shape since they ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NHL SEASON!!

[Ed's Note: This is what I'm talking about with the incessant micro-analysis we're subjected to in sports these days. The NFL is particularly bad about it. Halfway through the Olympics, Canada was struggling to own the podium. By the end, they had won the most gold. So let's avoid saying anything grandiose, and stupid, about how lame Canada's Olympic team is.]

The United States — the "U.S. eh,"[rimshot] as one newspaper headline blared last week — had 24 medals overall going into Sunday night, six more than the Germans and 15 more than fourth-place Canada.

Own the podium? Please. Canada isn't qualified to rent the "P" and the "O."

[Ed's Note: Or, you know, don't.]

Plaschke-nanigans on me. I am P.O.ed about this pile of journalist crap.

But that's what Miller, South Buffalo native Patrick Kane, East Amherst-raised Brooks Orpik and the rest of the Americans were up against. It was a classification game, but the outcome meant more to Canada than it did anywhere else.

Thanks, by the way, for telling us where Ryan Kesler, Ryan Miller and Chris Drury are from. I guess it doesn't matter. I heard the telecast and Doc "Doc" Emrick say it every time any one of them touched the puck.

Hockey is the one thing — the one thing — Canada must get right. Now?

The United States advances to the quarterfinals. Canada must play an extra game to reach the medal round. Both teams remain in contention for all three medals.

Tickets that sold for $5,000 on the street a few days ago were going for $6,000 or more on a sunny afternoon near the Vancouver Canucks' home.

This paragraph reminds me of something Woody Paige said on "Around the Horn" today: "I can type 95 words a minute but none of them make any sense.

[Ed's Note: First, kudos to Woody Paige for being that self-aware. It's the first step towards recovery. Second, what the hell? Why are we being subjected to Bucky's journalistic stream of consciousness (where, I might add, we get the only genuine reporting of actual fact).]

Imagine the price next week, not to mention the anxiety, if these two hockey superpowers manage to meet again in the gold medal game. The locals estimate that tickets for the final game Sunday will sell for $12,000 apiece if Canada is one of the participants, even more if the Yanks wind up on the other side the opening face-off circle.

Imagine. Imagine if our writer could string together a coherent column

Look out, because the bloody Yanks look dangerous.

And also, look out because apparently the Olympic Committee is randomly moving the remaining events to Scotland.

The win Sunday was their first over Canada in international play since the 2001 world championships, ending a string of six straight losses.

Random fact dropped in with no connection to anything else. Thanks.

Brian Rafalski scored 41 seconds into the game while fans were still cheering "Go, Canada." Rafalski answered again later in the period when fans were still cheering for Eric Staal's goal.

Drury answered after Dany Heatley tied the game, 2-2. And Miller seemed to have all the answers en route to 42 saves.

YES!!! We finally get to the part where he actually breaks down the game!!!

[Ed's Note: We've now been told how the first three, and fifth, goals have been scored. Remember, Canada scored three. So the fourth goal was the game-winner. Keep that in mind.]

Drury, Miller, sound familiar?

Or Andy Sambergs over Drury and Miller again.

"Absolutely,"Kane Bucky Gleason said. "It's nice to see them step up. Ever since I was a Sabres' fan, Drury scored big goals. I remember the one against the Rangers. Big goals by him tonight, and Miller stood on his head."

[Ed's Note: I have so many problems with this quote, I don't even know where to start. First, Patrick Kane, who (as we've been beaten over the head with since approximately 1989) grew up both in Buffalo AND good at playing hockey, apparently didn't become a Sabres fan until 2003. That's when Drury joined the team. We addressed the big goal against the Rangers above. However, my biggest problem is how stupid Patrick Kane looks. Chris Drury only scored one goal. Where was Kane? In the bathroom for all but his twenty minutes of ice time?]

Team USA General Manager Brian Burke made it clear going into the Winter Games that he couldn't afford to assemble the top 20 players in red, white and blue and send them against the stronger, faster, deeper teams from Canada, Russia and beyond. The American team was put together with specific roles in mind for every player.

At least Kane knew it was ONE goal against the Rangers. But I am sensing we are about to run head first into a steaming pile of sports cliches...

Drury, for example, was named to the U.S. team despite a brutal year with the Rangers in a decision that baffled many. The reason: simple. Burke and U.S. coach Ron Wilson, former college roommates and blood brothers who wear the Maple Leaf of Toronto in the NHL, wanted a selfless leader with Olympic experience.

"He has those Mike Eruzione-like qualities," Wilson said of the 1980 U.S. hero. "Diving in front of shots, blocking them, winning big faceoffs. He's doing a lot of dirty grunt work that often gets overlooked."

Indeed. Wow. I am counting 1, 2, 3, 4 cliches in one quote. Well done.

[Ed's Note: the things that Chris Drury does are "Mike Eruzione-like." Therefore, note to all stupid Sabre fan Buckyites: we are not looking for a guy with "Chris Drury-like qualities." We are looking for a player with Mike Eruzione like qualities. He was the originator. Like Parcells over Belichick.]

Orpik is being asked to be their shutdown defenseman, providing the same steadiness and sturdiness as he did for the last two seasons with the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins.

And cliches.

He was on the ice during the grueling shift late in the game with the Canada threatening and the United States scrambling.

OK, I just want to point out this particular sentence demonstrates Bucky's lack of hockey knowledge: If Orpik was so "steady" and "sturdy" there would not have been a scramble.

The United States has produced more medal winners in the Winter Games, but it was an underdog when this tournament began. In means nothing in the Olympics. Dominik Hasek proved in the 1998 Nagano Games that one person can make a major difference.

And that brings back us to Miller, who also is wearing No. 39 in this tournament.

"Best I've ever seen," said Kesler, who plays with star Roberto Luongo.

Miller was irked over the Canadians slipping a loonie into center ice in Salt Lake City in 2002 before beating the Americans and standing atop the podium on U.S. soil.

When Sunday rolls around, he's hoping to return the favor.

But since the bloody Yanks don't use funny coins for dollar amounts, perhaps Miller can place a dollar bill, quarter, or even better (and this is dedicated to Ryan Fitzpatrick and all his street cred we learned about in a previous post) a Benjamin.

[Ed's Note: One final point... we got a full column about how awesome, clutch, huge, and crucial Chris Drury's goal was (the third for the Yanks blueshirts U.S.ians Americans). Yet, we are never told who, when, or how the fourth (a/k/a "game-winning") goal was scored. Sorry, Jamie Langenbrunner. You stole Drury's "C". A price must be paid.]

fire bucky gleason, quadrennial edition part one

In what is going to become a series, since The Buffalo News Sports Department decided to send Bucky Gleason to Vancouver as its Olympic correspondent. My assumption here is the reasoning behind this is similar to why the Miami Herald sends Dave Barry to various national/international events: namely, they're not looking for actual journalism and reporting, but rather humorous items that are, at a minimum, 75% fabrication.

Bucky didn't waste any time giving us the first gem of his Olympic coverage. In order to set the right tone, I want you to think of two things that cannot possibly be related. Also, should the paths of these things cross, it couldn't possibly be more irrelevant. For example, an archaeological dig and Andy Katzenmoyer. Or, more pointedly, a MENSA meeting and Bucky Gleason. Of course, this is Olympic related. Do you have one? Good. Is it "Joe Biden and ski jumping"? No? Of course it isn't, because you can't possibly ever write anything of meaning or merit involving Joe Biden and ski jumping. Doesn't mean you can't try, I guess.

Joe Biden snaked through the mountains for more than two hours Saturday before taking his place in the bleachers with the common folk watching ski jumping. For a while there, he really did look like a man of the people as he had proclaimed to be for years on the campaign trail.

Joe Biden watched ski jumping? Who cares? I mean, props to him for not forcing his way down front, and VIPing his way into primo seats. But, really, it's ski jumping. Nobody watches ski jumping. I don't think NBC even sent cameras for crying out loud.

It was a nice show of support by the vice president for the Americans,

As opposed to the vice president of the Canadieans, who slaps all his ski jumpers in the face if they finish lower than first.

who need all the help they can get when it comes to ski jumping. The team consists of three ordinary people, working men with whom Biden supposedly could identify. One is a handyman, another a dishwasher and the third an ice cream scooper in the summer.

Are you bracing yourself for a "woe is me" article about the blight of our ski jumpers? Good. Are you also thinking "This is who is ski jumping for us? Hell, I could have a shot in 2014!" even though you basically just finished a tub of processed sodium? Me too.

Of course, it didn’t take long before Biden confirmed he’s no Ordinary Joe after all.

Punny!

He effectively dismissed U.S. jumpers Anders Johnson, Nick Alexander and teenager Peter Frenette after Johnson’s mother, Chris, draped in a U.S. flag, approached Biden about offering a the team few words of encouragement after a tough day.

Did he flip them off or something? Did he slap this guy's Mom?

Rather than take a few minutes for the Americans, he greeted them mostly with indifference and a phony thumbs up. It wasn’t a show of support, just a show. He might as well have told them to take a flying leap.

Wait, don't they take flying leaps? Oh, is this supposed to be another pun? My bad. Also, who cares?? Joe Biden gives a "phony" thumbs up, so we're supposed to get indignant that our ski jumpers are being disrespected? What makes the thumbs up phony? Did you talk to Biden afterward? I'm sure he explained it as "Hey, I was just trying to make them a little happy, because really they sucked so hard I'm going to get Barack to ban ski jumping by executive order as soon as I get back."

Little did he know, the perceived snub had become standard operating procedure when it comes to ski jumping and the government.

If you thought the Joe Biden-ski jumping relationship wasn't tenuous enough already, may I present to you the "American government-ski jumping" relationship.

The United States has an official ski jumping team only when it’s good for the United States, which is every four years when the Winter Olympics roll around. Ski jumping has been discarded by the United States Ski Association. Funding has been cut off along with the U.S. team’s chances of winning.

Shenanigans. Bucky demonstrates just how lousy he is at research. First and foremost, The United States Government is not, in any way, responsible for funding the ski jumping team. Nor should it be. The US Ski and Snowboard Association¹ is responsible for providing the ski jumping team its funding. Not anyone in Washington, DC, nor any state capitol in the land. The USSA is a private not-for-profit organization, and not a governmental agency (you know, much like the USOC). This is as it should be. Our tax dollars have better things to do than make sure our ski jumpers can make ends meet.

"We just need somebody to be confident in us," Johnson said after Switzerland’s Simon Ammann won the event and was awarded the first gold medal in the 2010 Winter Games. "Throw us a bone, you know? Give us something. Every little bit helps. We’re working on fumes right now. A little bit in the tank would go a long way."

First, try being confident in yourselves. Confidence breeds confidence. Second, this may, or may not, sound a lot like a guy who relies on charitable donations to do what he loves most.

By the looks of things, it appears there’s a better chance of throwing the program off a cliff before throwing it a bone. The three Yanks spent years saving their nickels for private coaches, training and equipment while other countries spend millions of dollars on their teams. Austria forked over $500,000 for the team bus alone.

I want to remind everyone here that the US team, as stated above by the man trying to persuade you that our government does not support our ski jumpers enough, consists of three (3!) people. My first question is, why the hell do three people need a $500,000 bus? They should be grateful for a $25,000 conversion van. Second, why the hell would we want to invest public money, in the form of millions of dollars, into something that's going to generate, at best, a dozen jobs?

Funny how they competed in the Normal Hill event Saturday because there’s nothing normal about hauling down a ramp and jumping 105 meters before landing softly at the bottom with style points in between. The aptly named Large Hill allows jumpers to approach nearly 150 meters.

Normal is normal, ski jumper is large, like the hill's name. That sound you hear is the Pulitzer committee Andy Samberging itself while reading this pure gold.

Television does the sport a great service by giving the appearance that jumpers are descending from the heavens — or heading there.

Actually, they fly parallel with the slope of the hill and are only 15 feet above the surface at the highest point. It looks like a blast from the bottom of the hill, but it must be harrowing from the top.

Bucky, ever the persuasive writer, now tries to convince us of the vital importance of ski jumping by telling us.... that it's not nearly as impressive as it is on TV. Smooth.

"It’s pretty indescribable," Johnson said. "The time you spend in the air feels a lot longer than it actually is. It’s a unique feeling. The feeling of flying on your own power is pretty cool."

Johnson now essentially does the exact same thing. Smooth.

The Americans knew long before they landed in gorgeous Whistler Olympic Park that they would be gone in no time, but it didn’t stop them from doing whatever was necessary to get here. They were there for all the right reasons.

As opposed to those sad sack skeleton drivers, who are only in Vancouver to drink heavily, engage in wanton acts of debauchery, and impregnate the locals with absolutely no intention of providing any support later on.

Alexander washes dishes for a living at a restaurant near his home in Lebanon, N.H. He appreciates his job, but you might say he doesn’t get the same adrenaline rush from scrubbing plates than, say, competing in the Olympic Games.

Tear.

"Not quite," he said.

Bucky sets 'em up so his interviewee can knock them down.

Frenette spent the summer scooping ice cream near Lake Placid, probably because he’s not qualified for anything else. He looks like the kid bagging your groceries. He’s counting down the 10 days between today and his 18th birthday, when he’ll be able to vote, drive at night and watch R-rated movies.

He buckled up his skis Saturday morning having exactly zero World Cup points in his career because he had never competed in a major event before. He stood atop the ramp in Whistler Winter Park, took a deep breath and let ’er fly on the only pair of skis he owns. Welcome to the Olympics, kid.

We owe our ski jumping children a better future than this. Please write to your federal, state, and local legislators and tell them to withhold aid to your local school districts and highway departments. Our ski jumpers need an alternate pair of skis.

You weren’t about to hear the youngest male Olympian complaining. People kept asking him for his credentials last week because they couldn’t believe he was a competitor. Nice kid, but it says plenty about the U.S. program when his first big jump comes on the world’s biggest stage.

By "says plenty" here Bucky means "says nothing."

"It’s definitely exciting," Frenette said. "I’m one of the youngest to do it, so that’s good looking forward into my career. It’s like a starting point. Hopefully, I can keep building on this from the Olympics and get better and hopefully be one of the best someday."

Don’t you just adore the innocence of youth?

Not really. Also, what happened to Joe Biden? Is he still a douche? We've kind of moved away from your central thesis here.

The United States hasn’t been close to the podium since the Coolidge Administration.

Wait, they've sucked for a while? Our ski jumpers are like the Detroit Lions? Great. More reason to allocate your tax dollars to their success.

Certainly you remember another Anders, Anders Haugen, finishing fourth in the 1924 Chamonix Games. As the story goes, he picked up the bronze medal about 50 years later when a computing error was uncovered and pushed him into third.

Americans’ lasting memory for years when it came to ski jumping involved a Slovenian, Vink Bogtaj, who tumbled off the ramp and was better known as the "agony of defeat" guy from "Wide World of Sports" in the 1970s.

Which was kind of hilarious.

The United States has been so accustomed to getting buried in ski jumping that defeat is not accompanied with agony but with anticipation.

US Ski Jumping, the L.A. Clippers of the slopes. Support our Skiers!

And to think an American woman, Lindsey Van, owns the record for the longest jump for anyone in Normal Hill. The stuffy International Olympic Committee has refused to accept women’s ski jumping as an Olympic sport. The U.S. men’s program could be headed for extinction.

So now we're supposed to support a sport that only allows men to compete on its grandest stage. We might as well start throwing money at women's baseball and men's softball.

Alexander and Frenette finished tied for 41st on Saturday. Johnson, who helps rehab houses for his father’s property-management company in Park City, Utah, finished in 49th. It was also known as second-last. The odds of them winning a medal were wedged between "a snowball’s chance in hell" and "when pigs fly."

Based on everything you've said so far, I suppose we should be grateful they qualified for the Olympics at all.

But they jumped, anyway, because they had the opportunity. It would have been nice if Biden jumped at the chance to greet them. Give him two thumbs down.

Joe Biden, remember him? He was supposed to be the hook in what turned into a brutal diatribe on the state of American ski jumping, and shame on us for not recognizing the potential of our ski jumping population. Nevermind that Bucky himself essentially did the exact same thing to our curlers less than a week later. However, that column did at least give us this:

"Presumably, you're laughing at me, or crying for me, and wondering what in the world I'm saying. And I have absolutely no idea. Not a clue."

This is probably the most honest and accurate thing Bucky has ever written ever.

Support Our Ski Jumpers!

¹ - Way to whiff on that one, too, monkey.