fbg: miami

Up to this point, the Fire Bucky Gleason posts have been limited to Buffalo. Living in Buffalo, and growing up not far from Buffalo, it was only natural that we'd get mad at the local monkeys who, for reasons that I still don't entirely comprehend, get paid by people with money to write their opinions about sports. Bucky's been pretty quiet lately, and with football season ending perhaps it's time to carve up a guy commenting on the Miami Dolphins.

So, much like CBS in that we're taking a successful concept and just putting it in a different setting and calling it a whole new show (coming soon, Cold Case: Des Moines!), we're taking FBG on the road to Miami and lambasting a guy from the Miami Herald who makes the following completely asinine commentary on who would be the perfect Dolphin.

michael.w found it. My comments in italics because I say so.

Logical progression: A season in which the Dolphins have faced Reggie Wayne, Vincent Jackson, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss and Steve Smith now could come down to stopping Houston wide receiver Andre Johnson.

OK. That is reasonable enough.

[Ed's Note: Not really. What he calls a "logical progression" is really just a "list of wide receivers the Dolphins have played against this year."]

Who else on the Texans can deal death to the Dolphins on Sunday afternoon? Houston's fumbling backs run as if they were carrying a greased pig through mud. They rank 31st in the league in yards per carry and are tied for last in the NFL in yards per game.

This paragraph is Exhibit A demonstrating why I never believe or give even an ounce of credence to predictions. The allegedly horrible backs, Ryan Moats, a guy named Arian Foster and Chris Brown all ran very well. They, for at least one week, solved the "greased pig" issues.

Behind Johnson among wide receivers, Kevin Walter, not exactly Lance Alworth, averages four catches per game and 11.7 yards per catch. Sunday's tight end worries ended eight weeks ago with Owen Daniels' season-ending injury.

Way to go, of all the receivers in the history of the NATIONAL!!!FOOTBALL!!!LEAGUE!!!, I applaud your efforts to compare Kevin Walter, a white guy, to Lance Alworth, another white guy. And Exhibit B regarding the predictions, a tight end named Joel Dressen provided plenty of worries from the tight end position on Sunday. Also, the Texans have a guy named Jacoby Jones. The Dolphins couldn't cover him either.

There is some irony in the Dolphins trying to prevent Johnson from burning down their house Sunday: It would be the perfect place for Johnson to call home.

The irony, I guess, is that LandShark Stadium, a structure Andre Johnson has plans on committing acts of arson against, is a perfect place for him to call home? Way to misuse irony. Why will Andre Johnson be burning the stadium down? If it is meant only figuratively, then I ask: Is it closing at the end of the season, thereby meaning a loss, and subsequent failure to qualify for the playoffs, means the final game in the stadium? (Answer: No. There is another game in that same burned down house the following week, and some Canadian money company wants to put their name on it for following seasons).

[Ed's Note: I fail to grasp the "burning down the house" metaphor. The preferred cliche here is "tearing it up." If you're growing to write pointless things about football, at least follow the rules.]

Oh sure, every team would love a guy who gets double-teamed from pregame stretch on and beats it for 20 catches for 389 yards, as Johnson has the past two games.

Meaning this article could be written in 31 other NFL cities I guess. After all, the same irony applied in November when Andre Johnson burned down Ralph Wilson Stadium, another perfect place for him to call home. Along with the other six road stadiums Johnson played in over the course of the 2009 season.

"Without question, I think, the best receiver in the league," Dolphins safety Yeremiah Bell said. "The guy does everything. He does the little things. He does things he might not want to do. He makes all the hard catches. The guy's getting doubled every game, but they find ways to get him the ball."

What does this quote have to do with Andre Johnson being perfectly suited to reside in the charred remains of Joe Robbie..err..Pro Player..err...Dolphin...err...Landshark Stadium. Other than Johnson being great, which makes him perfectly suited for all the other stadiums, that Johnson mercifully chose not start on fire.

The Dolphins, as has been said ad nauseum, lack a dynamic playmaker at wide receiver.

No argument here. I presume this will be followed by an in depth exploration of Johnson's impending free agency and statements that he is thinking of signing with Miami.

[Ed's Note: He's right about at least one thing, I am starting to get nauseous reading this.]

Still, you have to go beyond quality to see why Johnson would be the perfect Dolphin (if he weren't signed with Houston through the 2014 season).

Oh. So to sum up: A player who will not be free agent FOR HALF A DECADE is someone perfectly suited to play for Dolphins after he burns down their stadium.

Let's start with the next-obvious element . . .

Does this mean we get cliches like "leadership" and being "good in the locker room?"

[Ed's Note: This column is not about Chris Drury.]

Johnson would be home. He didn't leave South Florida until Houston drafted him third overall in 2003 out of the University of Miami. And every college football coach not dressed in UM colors breathed a little easier that day.

No, but it is nice to see that Bucky Gleason is making a guest appearance at the Miami Herald under the pseudonym David Neal. The thesis here: Andre Johnson would be a great fit for the Dolphins because he is a great player, and he is from Miami. So is Chad Johns....Ochocinco. So is Vince Wilfork (who by the way is an actual free agent come season's end).

"Miami had just graduated Reggie Wayne," said Dolphins defensive coordinator Paul Pasqualoni, Syracuse's head coach from 1991-2004. "I told our [defensive backs], 'Don't worry, the guy who replaces him can't be as good as Reggie Wayne.' On the first two possessions, he scored on a post corner and a corner post. The cornerback came out and said, 'Coach, I think this guy might be better.'" Johnson went to Miami High, but he is from the Carol City area.

I could have told that Andre Johnson is better than Reggie Wayne without consulting Pasqualoni. Every pass Reggie Wayne has caught in the NATIONAL!!!FOOTBALL!!!LEAGUE!!! has come from the arm of Peyton Manning. Andre Johnson has had to deal with errant passes delivered by the likes of David Carr, Sage Rosenfels and Matt Schaub. (I am only going to assume the passes were errant. But based on the names listed, safe assumption). [Ed's Note: Matt Schaub is not really that errant. He is, however, often injured. Which is why Johnson was stuck with the likes of Will Ferrell Rosenfels.] Also, Reggie Wayne played at "The U" and is very good. Why not push for him? Oh, he is from New Orleans

"I could actually walk from my mom's old house to the stadium," Johnson said. "I grew up right there. I always had dreams of playing in Land Shark Stadium."

Then why burn it down? [Ed's Note: Also, he always had dreams of playing in the stadium near his Mom's old house. I can say with great confidence, since I am approximately the same age as Andre Johnson, that it was never "LandShark Stadium" when Johnson was growing up.]

Despite being from the same region as Michael Irvin (Fort Lauderdale St. Thomas Aquinas, old-school UM) and Chad Ochocinco, nee, Johnson (Miami Beach High, cheers for UM, old-school UM in spirit), Johnson refrains from putting much show in his boat. Which leads to . .

This should be good.

He has the perfect personality for this Dolphins regime. Under the Bill Parcells-Jeff Ireland-Tony Sparano ruling triumvirate, the Dolphins prefer consistently loud performances from consistently quiet men. In defending the Dolphins receivers, offensive coordinator Dan Henning is fond of saying how diva receivers can drain the energy from a team.

Lest we forget that Andre Johnson will not be available until 2014.

With cars and wideouts, high performance usually means high maintenance. Not so with Johnson. When Johnson says publicly he would like the ball more, it is rare and comes off more as admission than demand. There is no record of Johnson engaging in any quality trash talk. In fact, the lack of yak and flamboyance keeps Johnson as under the radar as a wide receiver could be with his credentials.

I would like to thank David Neal from refraining from the use of yak, and doing crappy word play with Yard After Catch (YAC). [Ed's Note: Regardless of sparing us that, "lack of yak" equals plaschke-nanigans.]

"I think it is more of my family," said Johnson, explaining his personality. "Just growing up in the house, if you were ever in my mom's house you would probably not even know if anyone was in there because there wasn't really much talking or anything going on unless we were talking amongst each other.

[Ed's Note: Who the hell else would you be talking to?]

My mom is the same way, my brother is the same way, so I think it is just a family thing. We don't really need much attention. A lot of people think that we don't talk, but I do talk. I am not just quiet like everyone thinks."

Unfortunately, the Dolphins are already at their quota of players with great families.

He will take a hit and deliver one, too. The Dolphins lords also want a physical team. Few wide receivers, maybe none with his speed, can claim to be as physical as Johnson, who is 6-3 and 223 pounds.

On a 17-yard touchdown catch against Arizona, Johnson made the grab at the Cardinals' 5-yard line. Linebacker Gerald Hayes went for a demolition-derby hit as Johnson landed. Hayes careened away to the ground. Johnson then blasted former UM teammate Antrel Rolle onto his back before carrying cornerback Bryant McFadden into the end zone.

And he is not available until 2014.

Johnson is loyal. He hasn't made noises about leaving, though Houston has had only one .500 season; he has never finished above third place in the AFC South; and he can't seem to catch a break with injuries.

"I have pretty much been through all the rough times with this organization, except for the first year," Johnson said. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy when I got here. I never thought it would take seven seasons. It is a work in progress. That is what keeps me motivated because I want to do everything I can to help get this organization to its first playoff berth and first Super Bowl."

So it is that the perfect Dolphin for the current era is a Texan.

OK. So let me get this straight: Andre Johnson is a great player. He is from Miami and went to "The U." That makes him perfect for the Miami Dolphins. However, Andre Johnson is neither a soon to be free agent nor demanding a trade. I just summed up in four sentences what took paragraph after paragraph of newspaper space. Thanks for wasting my time David Neal.