fire leonard from lackawanna

Normally I wouldn't go so far as to call for a guy's head I've never met, especially because I have no idea what he actually does for a living. But if, for whatever reason, his job involves using the English language in any capacity this monstrosity of a letter to the editor serves as grounds for immediate dismissal. Seriously. michael.w makes another guest appearance, with my notes sprinkled in.

It’s that time of year for a hockey fan. I watched one lap of a NASCAR race, and well, got it, put a fork in it. The Yankees are trying to stay healthy and mimic a contender but time waits for no one, too old. So we get titillated, the NHL draft, prospects we are told but around here hope that someone, hopefully many someones will mature in 60 days and oooh, ahhhhh . . . you know. But alas, Bucky Gleason incisively makes the situation clear, thou fool, Quinn still abides and we are but fools, again. Tough but cheap the new acquisition is, Bob Corkum lives. But we still hope. Hope against hope and we pay to fill the arena and ka-ching is the tune heard in Florida.

[Ed's Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Also, what?]

First and foremost (and so as not to repeat over and over again), you are writing a letter to the editor, not auditioning for a award in prose, or some other fancy writing contest. All that is missing is "Quoth the raven, nevermore." Who the hell made you watch NASCAR in the first place? And put a fork in it? The reality is, more people watch NASCAR than hockey. There are also other very interesting teams contending in this year's pennant races, not named the Yankees (See Red Sox, "Devil" Rays, Dodgers, and my personal favorite, Defending World Champion Phillies). Titillated by the NHL Draft, and you are trashing NASCAR. Cars turning left is a bit more "titillating" than guys naming names. And again, to get Language Arts dork, is "thou fool" modifying Larry Quinn or Bucky Gleason? And go ahead and compare Steve Montador to Bob Corkum because it makes you feel good. But it isn't close.

When I was a lad, hockey was the beautiful competitive challenge it should be. Then somewhere on that road I realized it’s a business. Giving the business to a Sabres fan has become an art form and ka-ching without blushing has become the background music on the elevators at the arena.

[Ed's Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Also, what?]

I also think hockey was a beautiful competitive challenge, whatever that means. Sadly the trap has re-emerged, dump and chase is...why I am arguing this? This idiot doesn't care. Sports stopped being "beatiful competitive challenges" long ago. Grow up and get over it. And the "ka-ching" is monumentally important. Without the "ka-ching", the Sabres wouldn't even have the ability to sign Bob Montador, or Steve Corkum.

Alas from the Book of Bucky we read the lamentations. We read them but we hope, hope against hope, that pride can be restored and ka-ching could become an embarrassing interlude before legitimately trying to assemble a team to win the Stanley Cup, yes win the Stanley Cup, and that these everyday annoyances will be put where they’ve always belonged.

[Ed's Note: Plaschke-nanigans. Also...nevermind. I can't keep this up. Thank you, however, for finally admitting that all the pissing and moaning about the Sabres front office qualifies as an "everyday annoyance" that belongs somewhere else than on the sports pages.]

Comparing Bucky's one note samba to the Bible? This guy needs an intervention. Seriously, not any intervention, he needs Jeff, the fat guy with the mustache from the TV show "Intervention" to inform him of the plane ticket that is ready. Leonard's family needs to meet in a hotel suite and read letters. It is that bad. By the way, not get all homer here, but there is a team, that held true to their plan, stayed with their draft picks, developed them, and when they all hit their prime, won a championship. All without overpaying for free agents, letting players walk when they got old and expensive and in the face of a fan base and media far more caustic than the local hacks. (Hint: They are mentioned above).

That place cannot be revealed so civility and good taste can and will remain on the sports pages of The Buffalo News.

Yes, when I read the Buffalo News' references to B. Thomas Golisano, Larry Quinn and Darcy Regier, the first two terms that come to mind are "civility" and "good taste"

The team changes when the intangible becomes the tangible and ka-ching is just a happy byproduct of having a premise, defining it and clearly making it the mission statement for the entire organization. But keeping those seats filled is just an endorsement of mediocrity and why change if that’s all kaching will ever mean. Any paradigm shift has to be shocking. To the owners when they start seeing empty seats. To the administration when its jobs are on the line.

To all you English majors: this paragraph is for you. I have no idea what this guy is talking about. It seems as though all he wants to is string together semi-big, important sounding words. In the spirit of that: res ipsa loquitor, habeas corpus, unlawful search and seizure, forensic evidence and res gestae.

[Ed' Note: I am an English major, and I have no idea what anything this guy is saying means.]

Here’s the tough one: enlightening the majority owner about the game and the heart that is needed to play it and kaching must be rewritten. Making someone a minority owner hoping he can restore that heart when he more or less altered it irreversibly is the fly in the ointment. Ka-ching must become ka-change. The sooner the better.

Ok, that is two paragraphs trying to string together big words.

[Ed's Note: Yes I am stealing this from Fire Joe Morgan, but only because I can't think of any other piece ever qualifying for it more than this. 'Dear Leonard: The English language called, it wanted to know why you hate it so much.']