fire bucky gleason, quadrennial edition part one

In what is going to become a series, since The Buffalo News Sports Department decided to send Bucky Gleason to Vancouver as its Olympic correspondent. My assumption here is the reasoning behind this is similar to why the Miami Herald sends Dave Barry to various national/international events: namely, they're not looking for actual journalism and reporting, but rather humorous items that are, at a minimum, 75% fabrication.

Bucky didn't waste any time giving us the first gem of his Olympic coverage. In order to set the right tone, I want you to think of two things that cannot possibly be related. Also, should the paths of these things cross, it couldn't possibly be more irrelevant. For example, an archaeological dig and Andy Katzenmoyer. Or, more pointedly, a MENSA meeting and Bucky Gleason. Of course, this is Olympic related. Do you have one? Good. Is it "Joe Biden and ski jumping"? No? Of course it isn't, because you can't possibly ever write anything of meaning or merit involving Joe Biden and ski jumping. Doesn't mean you can't try, I guess.

Joe Biden snaked through the mountains for more than two hours Saturday before taking his place in the bleachers with the common folk watching ski jumping. For a while there, he really did look like a man of the people as he had proclaimed to be for years on the campaign trail.

Joe Biden watched ski jumping? Who cares? I mean, props to him for not forcing his way down front, and VIPing his way into primo seats. But, really, it's ski jumping. Nobody watches ski jumping. I don't think NBC even sent cameras for crying out loud.

It was a nice show of support by the vice president for the Americans,

As opposed to the vice president of the Canadieans, who slaps all his ski jumpers in the face if they finish lower than first.

who need all the help they can get when it comes to ski jumping. The team consists of three ordinary people, working men with whom Biden supposedly could identify. One is a handyman, another a dishwasher and the third an ice cream scooper in the summer.

Are you bracing yourself for a "woe is me" article about the blight of our ski jumpers? Good. Are you also thinking "This is who is ski jumping for us? Hell, I could have a shot in 2014!" even though you basically just finished a tub of processed sodium? Me too.

Of course, it didn’t take long before Biden confirmed he’s no Ordinary Joe after all.

Punny!

He effectively dismissed U.S. jumpers Anders Johnson, Nick Alexander and teenager Peter Frenette after Johnson’s mother, Chris, draped in a U.S. flag, approached Biden about offering a the team few words of encouragement after a tough day.

Did he flip them off or something? Did he slap this guy's Mom?

Rather than take a few minutes for the Americans, he greeted them mostly with indifference and a phony thumbs up. It wasn’t a show of support, just a show. He might as well have told them to take a flying leap.

Wait, don't they take flying leaps? Oh, is this supposed to be another pun? My bad. Also, who cares?? Joe Biden gives a "phony" thumbs up, so we're supposed to get indignant that our ski jumpers are being disrespected? What makes the thumbs up phony? Did you talk to Biden afterward? I'm sure he explained it as "Hey, I was just trying to make them a little happy, because really they sucked so hard I'm going to get Barack to ban ski jumping by executive order as soon as I get back."

Little did he know, the perceived snub had become standard operating procedure when it comes to ski jumping and the government.

If you thought the Joe Biden-ski jumping relationship wasn't tenuous enough already, may I present to you the "American government-ski jumping" relationship.

The United States has an official ski jumping team only when it’s good for the United States, which is every four years when the Winter Olympics roll around. Ski jumping has been discarded by the United States Ski Association. Funding has been cut off along with the U.S. team’s chances of winning.

Shenanigans. Bucky demonstrates just how lousy he is at research. First and foremost, The United States Government is not, in any way, responsible for funding the ski jumping team. Nor should it be. The US Ski and Snowboard Association¹ is responsible for providing the ski jumping team its funding. Not anyone in Washington, DC, nor any state capitol in the land. The USSA is a private not-for-profit organization, and not a governmental agency (you know, much like the USOC). This is as it should be. Our tax dollars have better things to do than make sure our ski jumpers can make ends meet.

"We just need somebody to be confident in us," Johnson said after Switzerland’s Simon Ammann won the event and was awarded the first gold medal in the 2010 Winter Games. "Throw us a bone, you know? Give us something. Every little bit helps. We’re working on fumes right now. A little bit in the tank would go a long way."

First, try being confident in yourselves. Confidence breeds confidence. Second, this may, or may not, sound a lot like a guy who relies on charitable donations to do what he loves most.

By the looks of things, it appears there’s a better chance of throwing the program off a cliff before throwing it a bone. The three Yanks spent years saving their nickels for private coaches, training and equipment while other countries spend millions of dollars on their teams. Austria forked over $500,000 for the team bus alone.

I want to remind everyone here that the US team, as stated above by the man trying to persuade you that our government does not support our ski jumpers enough, consists of three (3!) people. My first question is, why the hell do three people need a $500,000 bus? They should be grateful for a $25,000 conversion van. Second, why the hell would we want to invest public money, in the form of millions of dollars, into something that's going to generate, at best, a dozen jobs?

Funny how they competed in the Normal Hill event Saturday because there’s nothing normal about hauling down a ramp and jumping 105 meters before landing softly at the bottom with style points in between. The aptly named Large Hill allows jumpers to approach nearly 150 meters.

Normal is normal, ski jumper is large, like the hill's name. That sound you hear is the Pulitzer committee Andy Samberging itself while reading this pure gold.

Television does the sport a great service by giving the appearance that jumpers are descending from the heavens — or heading there.

Actually, they fly parallel with the slope of the hill and are only 15 feet above the surface at the highest point. It looks like a blast from the bottom of the hill, but it must be harrowing from the top.

Bucky, ever the persuasive writer, now tries to convince us of the vital importance of ski jumping by telling us.... that it's not nearly as impressive as it is on TV. Smooth.

"It’s pretty indescribable," Johnson said. "The time you spend in the air feels a lot longer than it actually is. It’s a unique feeling. The feeling of flying on your own power is pretty cool."

Johnson now essentially does the exact same thing. Smooth.

The Americans knew long before they landed in gorgeous Whistler Olympic Park that they would be gone in no time, but it didn’t stop them from doing whatever was necessary to get here. They were there for all the right reasons.

As opposed to those sad sack skeleton drivers, who are only in Vancouver to drink heavily, engage in wanton acts of debauchery, and impregnate the locals with absolutely no intention of providing any support later on.

Alexander washes dishes for a living at a restaurant near his home in Lebanon, N.H. He appreciates his job, but you might say he doesn’t get the same adrenaline rush from scrubbing plates than, say, competing in the Olympic Games.

Tear.

"Not quite," he said.

Bucky sets 'em up so his interviewee can knock them down.

Frenette spent the summer scooping ice cream near Lake Placid, probably because he’s not qualified for anything else. He looks like the kid bagging your groceries. He’s counting down the 10 days between today and his 18th birthday, when he’ll be able to vote, drive at night and watch R-rated movies.

He buckled up his skis Saturday morning having exactly zero World Cup points in his career because he had never competed in a major event before. He stood atop the ramp in Whistler Winter Park, took a deep breath and let ’er fly on the only pair of skis he owns. Welcome to the Olympics, kid.

We owe our ski jumping children a better future than this. Please write to your federal, state, and local legislators and tell them to withhold aid to your local school districts and highway departments. Our ski jumpers need an alternate pair of skis.

You weren’t about to hear the youngest male Olympian complaining. People kept asking him for his credentials last week because they couldn’t believe he was a competitor. Nice kid, but it says plenty about the U.S. program when his first big jump comes on the world’s biggest stage.

By "says plenty" here Bucky means "says nothing."

"It’s definitely exciting," Frenette said. "I’m one of the youngest to do it, so that’s good looking forward into my career. It’s like a starting point. Hopefully, I can keep building on this from the Olympics and get better and hopefully be one of the best someday."

Don’t you just adore the innocence of youth?

Not really. Also, what happened to Joe Biden? Is he still a douche? We've kind of moved away from your central thesis here.

The United States hasn’t been close to the podium since the Coolidge Administration.

Wait, they've sucked for a while? Our ski jumpers are like the Detroit Lions? Great. More reason to allocate your tax dollars to their success.

Certainly you remember another Anders, Anders Haugen, finishing fourth in the 1924 Chamonix Games. As the story goes, he picked up the bronze medal about 50 years later when a computing error was uncovered and pushed him into third.

Americans’ lasting memory for years when it came to ski jumping involved a Slovenian, Vink Bogtaj, who tumbled off the ramp and was better known as the "agony of defeat" guy from "Wide World of Sports" in the 1970s.

Which was kind of hilarious.

The United States has been so accustomed to getting buried in ski jumping that defeat is not accompanied with agony but with anticipation.

US Ski Jumping, the L.A. Clippers of the slopes. Support our Skiers!

And to think an American woman, Lindsey Van, owns the record for the longest jump for anyone in Normal Hill. The stuffy International Olympic Committee has refused to accept women’s ski jumping as an Olympic sport. The U.S. men’s program could be headed for extinction.

So now we're supposed to support a sport that only allows men to compete on its grandest stage. We might as well start throwing money at women's baseball and men's softball.

Alexander and Frenette finished tied for 41st on Saturday. Johnson, who helps rehab houses for his father’s property-management company in Park City, Utah, finished in 49th. It was also known as second-last. The odds of them winning a medal were wedged between "a snowball’s chance in hell" and "when pigs fly."

Based on everything you've said so far, I suppose we should be grateful they qualified for the Olympics at all.

But they jumped, anyway, because they had the opportunity. It would have been nice if Biden jumped at the chance to greet them. Give him two thumbs down.

Joe Biden, remember him? He was supposed to be the hook in what turned into a brutal diatribe on the state of American ski jumping, and shame on us for not recognizing the potential of our ski jumping population. Nevermind that Bucky himself essentially did the exact same thing to our curlers less than a week later. However, that column did at least give us this:

"Presumably, you're laughing at me, or crying for me, and wondering what in the world I'm saying. And I have absolutely no idea. Not a clue."

This is probably the most honest and accurate thing Bucky has ever written ever.

Support Our Ski Jumpers!

¹ - Way to whiff on that one, too, monkey.

fire bucky gleason, bucky gleason makes noncommital predictions edition

Since Bucky decided to use his most recent Inside the "NHL" to write about the Junior Sabres (who, I might add here, not only do NOT play in the NHL, but also do not feed into the NHL), we're going back in time. michael.w took on Bucky's giant hedged bet. All will be explained below. My comments in italics, because I'm wittier.

Place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand before answering this question, understanding you could face charges of perjury: Did you think before the season began that the Buffalo Sabres would be sitting in second place in the Eastern Conference today, Jan. 10, 2010?

I have to take an oath now to read your column? Fine. I am certain that my natural reaction to whatever you say will be honest, and not subject me to perjury charges pursuant to Penal Law Sect. 210.15.

[Ed's Note: Between this and all the nonsense about "legal testimony and hard evidence" for the 20 Cent fiasco, what is this obsession with criminal procedure?]

Well, um, not, gee, uh ...

Good heavens, no.

Nice to see Bucky's fake lawyering is as bad as his fake reporting. Way to prep your witness.

For what it's worth, I picked

Nothing. The words "I picked" in reference to Bucky predictions translates to "Ignore the Following."

them to finish eighth in the conference with the idea they were capable of finishing anywhere between sixth and 10th. Nobody of sound hockey mind would have predicted the Sabres charging to the top of the division and challenging for the NHL's best record.

Translation: Since I would not have predicted this, no one would have. And what is "sixth and 10th." Isn't it better practice to go with either "sixth and tenth" or "6th and 10th." Either way, but it isn't like you are shortening one million, nine hundred thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine to 1,900,999.

[Ed's Note: This is high school English. Back in like ninth grade I was taught that any rank, such as first, third, sixth, tenth, etc, is to be spelled out up to twentieth. Starting with 21st you use numbers. So, once again, Bucky fails high school grammar. Well done.]

But there they were Saturday, with a 10-point lead over the Bruins in the division, chasing their seventh straight victory and trying to track down New Jersey for the top spot in the conference.

So perhaps the people who picked them, to choose at random, between 6th and 10th don't know what they hell they are talking about.

The Sabres are evolving into a great story in the NHL, the kind that leads championship-starved Buffalo fans to fantasize about winning that elusive first major sports title.

While I just fantasize about Tyler Myers.

[Ed's Note: This still makes me angry. Why do the Bills' two AFL titles not count? The Yankees and their fans like to masturbate about "27 rings," while like 24 of them were won before 1950, when there were only about three pro baseball teams and only white guys were allowed to play, (or, to stay on-sport, the Canadiens boast 24 cups when fourteen of those were won before the NHL expanded beyond six teams, including one before the NHL even existed). If fans get to take pride in all that garbage, Bills fans can brag about a pair of AFL titles in the 60s.]

At least the Sabres have given people reason to believe, evidence that the communal hum you hear lately can turn into a Buffalo-style hockey buzz.

Communal? Great. The Sabres winning ways are turning us into communists.

Only a monumental collapse would prevent the Sabres from making the playoffs this season.

One of Bucky's favorite things in that sentence: Verbal Sleight of Hand. Giving himself an out if they don't win and he can say, "See, I predicted the monumental collapse."

They have the goaltending, defense, depth and balance to make things interesting come April.

Sounds like they could be favored.

Enjoy the ride while it lasts with tempered emotion, knowing full well that it's much too early to start talking about anything past the first round of the playoffs.

Verbal Sleight of Hand, Part II

The Sabres' ascension has been so businesslike,
They wear suits on the ice
punctuated by a six-game blitz
terribly misplaced football metaphor
that ended Saturday night with a 4-3 shootout loss to the Avalanche, that it was almost overlooked in Buffalo amid all the moaning about the sorry football team across town that provided entertainment in a comedic sense only.

Of all the games in the "blitz" the loss is the one you want to highlight? Neither of the three goal comebacks qualify. As an aside, having attended numerous Bills' games this season, I can conclude Bucky and I have very different senses of humor, because I found nothing comedic in the Bills' games. In fact, they were generally unwatchable.

We'll see if the Sabres are for real.

Verbal Sleight of Hand, Part III

It's a good team, certainly,
This sounds like Verbal Sleight of Hand, Part IV
but I'm reluctant to suggest they're anything more no matter their ascension in the standings.

Yep.

I've been around this block with a few teases over the years. We're still in January, and 38 games remain on the schedule, plus the Olympic break.

Very nice. I just wrote about the superior goaltending, defensive depth and balance. So in conclusion, they suck.

[Ed's Note: Buffalo Sports Professional logic at its finest... the Sabres have a good team, but suck because they've never won a Super Bowl or Stanley Cup. You want to know why there's no communal hum, moron? Because morons like you keep writing moronic things about how lousy the team is, despite mounting an outside challenge for the President's Trophy. You're essentially Randy Quaid in Major League II, saying (as the Indians clinch a playoff berth) "Who cares? They're gonna blow it in the playoffs."]

The Sabres had an off night Saturday and twice trailed by two goals. But there was a sense after Thomas Vanek scored in the third period that they would find a way to tie it. Sure enough, Jochen Hecht sent a wrist shot through a screen that found a hole. Was there any doubt they would at least steal a point?

You mean aside from within the mind of Bucky Gleason?

[Ed's Note: Not in my mind.
**BUFFALO NEWS BLASPHEMY WARNING**
These guys actually kind of remind me of the 2005-06/2006-07 teams. Turn the game off at your own risk, because who knows what may happen. Even if they're down by four.]

For a variety of reasons, this is a different team. It's more competitive and mentally tougher even though they have a majority of players who made up their soft, fragile team from the previous two years.

PHEW!!!!! I was worried we would get through a whole column without the mental toughness cliches

I think they learned plenty from missing the playoffs twice by narrow margins.

If one were restricted to reading this paper, they would learn they missed the playoffs by not resigning Chris Drury, Daniel Briere and Brian Campbell.

And to think Buffalo could have been in first place in the conference this morning with a win Saturday and a loss by New Jersey. Pittsburgh and Washington aren't going away, and both teams have more talent across their roster than Buffalo does.

Pittsburgh does mainly because they have Brooks Orpik and he's from Buffalo.

If the Sabres are serious about winning the Stanley Cup, they will need to address their shortcomings at the NHL trade deadline. They still need a defenseman who can quarterback the power play, a true No. 1 center, more pop along their top two lines and more backbone along the blue line.

So the defensive depth, goaltending and balance within a few paragraphs have now become irrelevant? Also, a defenseman who can quarterback the power play, a number one center, more pop in the top two lines and more backbone along the blueline translates to: All new players.

And what's more, EVERY NHL TEAM COULD USE: A defenseman who can quarterback the power play, a number one center, more pop in the top two lines and more backbone along the blueline.

One true test begins this week when they play seven straight road games against teams that entered Saturday night with a combined 161-112-36 record, including four games on the West Coast and another in Phoenix. Come back from the roadie with 10 points and no major injuries, and it could be time to get serious about making a deal for a rental.

Verbal Sleight of Hand, Part V. They have one of the NHL's best records, but they haven't been tested. In fact, they have only played local bar league teams, so their record is vastly inflated.

Regardless, there's no taking away the 28 wins and 60 points the Sabres earned through the first 44 games.

But dammit I did my best to try.

[Ed's Note: And since I couldn't take that away, I'll simply decide to ignore them entirely. After all, despite the Sabres having three games in hand, the Senators are ONLY SEVEN POINTS AWAY!! AHHHHHHH!!!!]

They're on pace for 112 points. Last season, they were given little mercy for could've, should've games they lost. They can't be vilified this year for games they should've lost but won.

[Ed's Note: Why would anyone vilify¹ them for winning games they shouldn't? You screwed this up, moron. In your seemingly infinite moronitude, you got so caught up in slamming last year's team you effed up the back-handed compliment to this year's team. You meant to say "they can't be vilified this year for games they should've won but lost." But you didn't, because you're a moron.]

Ryan Miller is single-handedly responsible for a half-dozen victories this season, maybe more. Their so-called star players have been mostly average but are gaining momentum.

Again, I thought we couldn't take away from them the wins they have in hand.

Rookie defenseman Tyler Myers has more points than Thomas Vanek

As of the date of my retort, that is no longer the case, and Vanek has played five fewer games. [Ed's Note: This was true for, like, a day. Also, who freakin' cares?? We're winning.]

They won back-to-back games after trailing by three goals.
Nice that you noticed
Tim Connolly took a three-week snooze before waking up.
How long has Tim Kennedy's snooze been? [Ed's Note: Also, Connolly is now threatening the Sabres' team record for most consecutive games with a point. He's at fifteen, the record is eighteen. In a related story, Bucky hasn't eaten anything in three weeks.]

One way or another, they've been winning, or finding ways to scratch out points when it appears, as it did Saturday, none was available.

More Verbal Sleight of Hand. They are winning, but shouldn't be because they suck

They have the best goalie in the league this season in Miller. Their team defense is considerably better than it was last year.
Yet still need better defensemen, as stated above
Newcomers Mike Grier and Steve Montador injected leadership and toughness
But more importantly, given analysts carte blanche to use those cliches
while bringing a professional approach that has kept their teammates on an even keel.

Myers has been the second-best player on the roster behind Miller. Fellow rookie Tim Kennedy has given them the crusty, prickly edge that had been lacking, a solid checking-line center and another inventive forward.
But when he never scores, it isn't a result of a snooze.
The Sabres have more bite, more snarl that comes from competitiveness, builds confidence and leads to stronger chemistry.

OK, this really appears to be a set-up for even more Verbal Sleight of Hand

And they're also benefiting from a weaker division than last season.
Indeed it was
Montreal has played better lately but still hasn't come together after revamping the roster in the offseason. Boston and Ottawa are banged up. Toronto is a mess. Surprise, surprise, the division is there for the taking.

Now, raise your hand and answer this question: Will the Sabres be in second place or higher in the conference when the season ends April 11?

So let me try to sum this up:
The Sabres have a great record, numerous players having good seasons, but, they need a roster full of new players to be good, they have played crappy teams and if they don't win it all, I can come back and say "See, I told you they sucked"

So, I, in one run-on sentence did what Bucky did in one run-on column.

¹ - Thank you, Roget's.

new look, same great taste

For those of you who came here often (also known as "my parents"), you may notice a few changes around here. I decided to change the title from something as arrogant as "Because I Said So" to "Unconventional Wisdom," mainly because the blog has developed into something far more interesting than random, pointless thoughts about the banality that is the life of some dude in Buffalo. Instead it's random, pointless comments on the idiocy of guys that write for the Buffalo News. "Unconventional Wisdom" comes from the fact that hating Tim Connolly, Darcy Regier, Thomas Vanek, Jason Pominville, and Jochen Hecht¹, among others are hated evil beings that don't even qualify as human is "conventional" and "rational" around here. As you may have gathered, "conventional wisdom" is really a translation for "acute stupidity" and gets called out. So, in order to talk some sense into folks (which is kind of stupid, since the only people who read this already agree with me), we're championing the unconventional wisdom. Not the Bill Belichick going for it on 4th and 2 with two minutes to go against Peyton "freaking" Manning kind of unconventional wisdom (which didn't work, and was a stupid call regardless of what any made up "odds" say), but rather the Mike McCarthy unexpected onsides kick call in the playoffs kind of unconventional. Sure, unconventional wisdom requires a bit of a gamble, but not a foolish all-or-nothing. That's what we preach around here.

Without further adieu, Bucky's most recent Inside the NHL serves as an unrivaled epitome as to why he should be frequent radio call-in character "Bucky from South Buffalo" and not a person paid to share his comments about professional hockey, or sports in general, with the world.

First, a bit of context. Recently, during a Penguins/Flyers game, a decidedly conclusive replay on a disputed goal scored by the visiting Flyers did not make it to Toronto for video review. As a result, the goal is waived. The outcome of the game wasn't affected². But, seeing as how the home arena production team is responsible for providing the replay "booth" with the camera angles it needs, somebody screwed up and therefore somebody needed to get reprimanded. Read on, and you'll see who shouldn't have taken the heat, and I'm sure you'll never guess why.

A goal is disallowed in Pittsburgh because the Penguins' broadcast team fails to produce a conclusive angle showing the puck crossing the line. It becomes available after play resumes, making it too late to reverse.

Two thoughts right off the bat: first, that this is a pretty colossal mistake. It calls into question the entire integrity of replay if some broken arrow can manipulate it like this, which thereby calls into question the integrity of the NHL as whole (though I've noticed the NHL doesn't really seem to care about its integrity of late, so long as they're Expanding the Game or some other such nonsense). Second, why the hell would you SHOW the replay once play resumes??? I'm not one for sweeping things under the rug, but at that point it's too late. By subsequently showing you had the information the officials needed, but didn't share it, you might as well add "Nah nah nah nah nah" as the soundtrack while the clip plays.

And that's a television producer's way of sticking it to those dastardly Flyers?

Remember, so far all he's done is describe a very significant blunder on the part of the Pittsburgh broadcast team. No context, no nothing. Just said that they screwed up big, and a Flyers goal was waived off.

Sorry, this one doesn't add up.

Phew! Thanks for that! I hate thinking!

The Flyers' conspiracy theory might appear reasonable from the outside,

Perhaps because we've been provided no other explanation, and trying to screw a cross-state rival is just as a likely a reason as professional oversight.

but there's one critical element that was overlooked when Fox Sports Network Pittsburgh producer Lowell MacDonald was suspended indefinitely for the botched replay:

Any guesses as to what's so critical that it should change the result for the guy in charge of the broadcast? Would you say that it was a deliberate and clandestine maneuver by a diehard Penguins fan working the video feed, such that MacDonald didn't (and couldn't) know until it was too late? Would you say the link to Toronto inexplicably went dead, thereby denying the replay booth the footage it needed? You would? You're wrong.

his integrity and professionalism.

I'll give you one guess, and only one guess, as to where Lowell MacDonald may have worked before Pittsburgh. And I'll give you one guess, and only one guess, as to who he may have been nice to while he was there.

MacDonald, 45, worked the Sabres' broadcasts for years and lived in Orchard Park

I'll give you a moment to collect yourself from the floor...

Back? Good. Moving on...

before leaving for ESPN and eventually landing in Pittsburgh, where he was raised. He's a class act in an oft-seedy business.

So, the guy in charge of sending the replays to the replay officials is working for his hometown team. And works in an "oft-seedy business," which clearly insinuates³ that the characters MacDonald works with would withhold a conclusive replay. So far Bucky's defense of his friend consists of two big strikes against the guy.

He's a former Division I player at Colgate, the son of the former Penguins player with the same name, and knows the game. He has an impeccable reputation for his honesty, character and work ethic.

This is a good guy, not a cheater.

After working against Lowell MacDonald, Bucky then goes on the defensive by saying, essentially, Lowell MacDonald couldn't have done this because Lowell MacDonald is a nice guy.

"I've known Lowell for years and worked closely with him," former Sabres analyst Jim Lorentz said last week by telephone. "He's the best producer I ever worked for. He's very quiet and low key, very intense and takes his job very seriously. It's why he's one of the best. It's not an accident that he worked for ESPN."

This time a quote, but still completely irrelevant. We still have not yet been provided any information mitigating MacDonald's involvement. Again, he appears to have been in charge of the broadcast. A mistake like this falls to him, regardless of who was directly responsible. For example, Tom Brady threw too early and Kevin Faulk didn't get the yardage he needed on 4th and 2. But Bill Belichick takes the heat. That's how it works. That's why the guy in charge gets paid more.

If you knew MacDonald, you would conclude with certainty that he made a mistake.

This was against the rules, of course it was a mistake. I don't need to know Lowell MacDonald to know that he screwed up. Just like I don't need to be a sophisticated music critic to know that the clowns they roll out on the first few episodes of American Idol really suck at singing.

Not a mistake in moral judgment, mind you, just a mistake. I'm not sure exactly what happened with the replay or why it wasn't produced in a timely manner.

Which makes your entire defense COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. We have not been provided any explanation. Deliberate obstruction of the replay process is currently as valid as gross negligence.

Television types often describe broadcasts as controlled chaos littered with gaffes.

This I understand, but in this particular circumstance you have all the time you need to get it right. How many cameras are going at once? A dozen? Is there only one guy in the booth looking at them all? And even then, it's just your job to pass them along, NOT decide which ones get sent.

MacDonald's reputation has been tarnished by an undertone that his motive was giving the Penguins an advantage.

Because, as of right now, that's just as a likely a careless snafu.

Would he intentionally put his career on the line for a lopsided game in January?

Maybe. What do the Penguins' ratings look like right now? They've been playing pretty crappy lately.

Get an advantage for a team that won the Stanley Cup, is among the best in the league and doesn't need any help from a TV producer?

No way. It doesn't make sense.

Again, Penguins. Crappy. At the time of the review, they were mired in an eight game slump (2-6-0) and on their way to 7 losses in their last nine. What they did last June is completely irrelevant at this point.

"He's a very honest guy," Lorentz said. "In terms of him ever doing anything malicious or to highlight another team is absolutely absurd. He has my full support. I don't think there's an ounce of maliciousness in him."

Great. That's likely true. However, his team still screwed up. Majorly.

The replay in question was the overhead view of Simon Gagne scoring. The play was being reviewed in Toronto, so why officials there didn't demand the overhead view before play resumed is a mystery. It speaks to flaws in the NHL's replay system, not the producer of the broadcast.

Maybe they "demand" the overhead view, but (try this one on) were told it was unavailable. If that's true, the "flaws" in the replay system relate to broadcast producers completely stripping it of any integrity.

Sure enough, after the Flyers demanded action, people were quick to assume that MacDonald's position with FSN Pittsburgh trumped common sense. It's hogwash.

Um, what? I have no idea what you're saying here.

His name has been dragged through various media outlets by people who either don't know him or never met him.

And here. I'm not trying to tear the guy down, but he made a very very big mistake. Or somebody under his control did. He hasn't come forward to say what happened, so we assume the worst. If there's another side to this story, tell it. Don't just say it's impossible for this dude to do something wrong, and to do something wrong on purpose.

FSN Pittsburgh, rather than admit human error and stand up for its employee, handed down a stiff penalty.

As they should. It sends a message, and I bet Toronto will get direct live feeds of Pittsburgh's cameras from now on, including days on which the Penguins aren't actually playing.

"There is nothing more important than the integrity of the game," FSN Pittsburgh said in a statement. "During [the Jan. 7] game against the Philadelphia Flyers, a definitive replay of a Flyers goal was not aired prior to the conclusion of the official review and, as a result, a Flyers goal was not awarded.

"Fortunately, this did not change the outcome of the game. Nonetheless, FSN Pittsburgh's failure to provide video to the league officials in a timely fashion was wholly unacceptable. FSN Pittsburgh has addressed this matter and has taken steps to ensure that such a failure does not occur again."

A logical, reasoned, proportionate response to an embarrassing mistake. FSN Pittsburgh is the bad guy here?

MacDonald couldn't be reached for comment last week. My guess is he's embarrassed by the blunder, confused by the harsh reaction and uncomfortable with becoming the story rather than covering it.

This may all be true. But due to his blunder, the integrity of the game of professional hockey is now in doubt. Say something to clear the air, even if it's "You're all full of shit, leave me alone."

This isn't the time to create distance between him, as FSN Pittsburgh did, but to stand alongside him.

Was he fired? I could understand if he was. It seems severe, especially since we don't know details, but understandable nevertheless. He's brought a lot of heat on FSN Pittsburgh, and creating distance makes sense.

At least they didn't fire him.

Oh.

Something tells me he'll get his job back once the situation blows over.

Probably. By all accounts this appears to be the exception here. And, again, I don't know what happened. I do know that a very plausible explanation, as of right now, is that Lowell MacDonald hates the Flyers because he grew up in Pittsburgh and his dad was a Penguin, and realized he had an opportunity to steal a goal from them. Or, it could've been a technical difficulty.

I hate to use it twice, but, Bucky's playing this role all over again.

¹ - Especially Jochen Hecht.

² - Thankfully.

³ - Thank you Jerry Sullivan.

bucky's soundtrack to friday's sabres-leaves game

Didn't get to this yesterday, which makes it a little stale since the Sabres stole a point in a 4-3 (11 round, yikes) shootout loss to the Avalanche (Buffalo's first loss to a Western Conference team, the Sabres are now 7-0-1 against the West). But in light of the Sabres' 3-2 win against the Toronto Maple "Leafs", where all three Sabres' goals were scored by Tyler Myers or Tim Kennedy (with Myers netting three points on the night), michael.w suggests this song probably accurately describes Bucky's reaction. I agree.

However, for a more PG crowd, I think when Myers has three points, and Kennedy adds a goal, this song works just as good.

fire bucky gleason, really really stupid word choice edition

A recent "Inside the NHL" (which, since they let Bucky Gleason write their Inside the NHL commentary, I'm assuming the NHL they're referring to is the one on Bucky's Xbox) chat notwithstanding, Bucky's been pretty quiet. It's been like two weeks since we got anything of any substance, but why nitpick right in the middle of the season right? So, the News really needed somebody to step up in Bucky's apparent absence. Jerry Sullivan said "Hey, nobody's writing anything really dumb about the Sabres lately, so we're running the risk of missing out on our quota." Thus, we get this.

Yikes.

Keep this quiet if you can, and by all means be sure to keep your head up.

This is an article about Tim Connolly, who missed a season due to residual concussion symptoms. Which you apparently imply is his fault for not keeping his head up. Low blow.

We wouldn't want to test the fates. But Tim Connolly has played in 84 consecutive regular-season NHL games.

Which amounts to more than a full season.

This Saturday, it will be one year to the day since Connolly returned to the lineup after recovering from back and rib injuries.

Connolly is healthy and displaying the athletic gifts that have made him at once the most compelling and maddening player in recent Buffalo Sabres history.

What about that makes him maddening? Maddening because his puck possession is almost criminal? Maddening because he generates more points than any other Sabre? Maddening because he spends his down time playing lots of football on Playstation?

He set up the opening goal 23 seconds into Wednesday's 5-3 win over Tampa Bay, extending his point streak to seven games, tying his career high.

So, of late, Connolly's been playing some of the best hockey of his career? Cool.

Which is the real Tim Connolly? The one who failed to score a goal in 24 of 25 games from Halloween until just before Christmas? Or the skilled center with the feathery touch, the guy who was on the verge of stardom until a severe concussion knocked his career off the rails in the 2006 playoffs?

Oh my freaking lord. OK, so Connolly had a pair of goal scoring droughts. But going back to Halloween is shenanigans. Connolly had a four game point streak to start November, with five assists. In fact, in the whole month of November (during which the Sabres were 7-4-2 for crying out loud), Connolly had two goals, nine assists, and eleven points in those thirteen games. Yet, November was a crappy month because he only scored two goals in one game. December was a little rougher, as Connolly was 3-5-8 in 15 games. But again, in those games the Sabres were 9-4-2, so even better than November. Which begs the question, why the hell are we complaining about how often Tim Connolly is scoring goals, when during his suffocating drought the Sabres were 15-9-4 (including the loss on Halloween)?

The Sabres handed him a two-year, $9 million contract extension last March because they felt he could be that dynamic player again. It gets tiresome, waiting for Connolly to deliver on the promise.

You know what gets tiresome? Continually reading about how Sabres' players aren't delivering on their "promise" (which usually means "contract"), when the player currently "not" delivering coincidentally leads the team in assists, points, shares the team lead in goals, and leads all team forwards in plus-minus.

After awhile, it begins to seem like a tease. But this time, perhaps he has squashed the injury bug for good.

Wait, I thought we were talking about how crappy his production is. We were really talking about his injury history, which really is not Tim Connolly's fault at all?

"It's not something I really even think about," Connolly said after the morning skate. "I just go out there one game at a time and try to do what I can to help this team win at both ends of the rink and on special teams."

Nuts to that. You need to score goals sir, regardless of whether or not it means we win.

Connolly, 28, is as creative as they come on the ice, but rarely has anything profound to say off it.

Thereby making him a "hockey player."

He downplayed the notion that regaining his health has made him more willing to venture into the cluttered and combative areas of the ice, where cheap goals are scored and fragile bodies exposed.

Lindy Ruff sat Connolly down during his recent slump and said he needed to go into those "dirty" areas where so much of the scoring is done in today's constricted NHL. Ruff said Connolly has been liberated by a year of good health.

"His game has gotten a lot better the last couple of weeks, and that might be the confidence of being in on a nightly basis and not getting injured," Ruff said.

Based on his injury history, I can understand if Connolly was a little hesitant. Especially in light of his contract. He knows if he goes down there's going to be a huge firestorm because the Sabres misspent their money when they could've have Drury. Or something equally dumb.

Paul Gaustad, who has suffered his share of injuries, agreed.

"I think it's part of getting back from injury," he said. "It's mental as well as physical."

See? Goose agrees with me. And Goose rocks.

Whatever the reason, Connolly is insinuating himself into those dirty areas.

Timeout. "Insinuating"??? Really? That's your word choice? Give Bucky his thesaurus back. Now, I admit some comments managed to show your word choice is, technically, correct. But that doesn't make it right, or (even more so, actually) good. This goes back to a 100 level (in fact, it may have been English 100 in college) course I took. The class was so basic, it didn't actually offer credit towards an English degree. The professor at one point was explaining why word choice was so crucial, and how you can blow it by overthinking. His example? Trying to find a fancy word for "home." He did. It was "domicile." And, by his own admission, it made him look stupid. For instance, compare these two sentences:

-I'm tired, and I really just want to go home.
-I'm tired, and I really just want to go to my domicile.

Both are correct. Both say the same thing. One makes you sound like an arrogant pompous bag of hot wind, and one makes you a normal American English speaking human person.

So, since your editor has once again failed us (and if it weren't for the coupons, I wouldn't even subscribe to the Sunday edition of the paper), I will have to fix this sentence to make it appropriate for the tone of the column, and what you're actually trying to say:
"Whatever the reason, Connolly is insinuating himself willing to go into those dirty areas."

There. Much better.

He had a couple of tipped goals. He took a hit along the boards to set up the tying goal against Atlanta. He's shooting more. Connolly had 31 shots on goal in a 13-game goal-less skid. He had 23 shots in his next six games and a point in each.

It took just 23 seconds for Connolly to extend his scoring streak to seven games. He won a faceoff back to rookie Tyler Myers, who wired it home for his fourth goal. Connolly's line made it 2-0 just 49 seconds later on a goal by Jochen Hecht.

You're insinuating that Connolly has been playing well of late, or at least that's the inference I draw based on the implication here.

Connolly is the leading scorer and No. 1 center on a division leader. Still, he wasn't seriously considered for the U.S. Olympic team.

Perhaps because the U.S. Olympic Team appears to have been selected by Bucky Gleason. Which, if true, means Connolly stood absolutely no chance.

That says something about his reputation around the league. Evidently, U.S. General Manager Brian Burke didn't have faith that the "real" Connolly would show up in Vancouver.

I'm actually still kind of confused, based on what you've said so far, as to who the "real" Connolly is. You've insinuated that both the injury and scoring drought prone center not worth his contract and the brilliant, creative on ice presence are both valid iterations of the "real" Connolly. And yet, you haven't insinuated which is the preferred iteration.

"They had tough decisions to make," Connolly said. "There's a lot of good players out there,

Unfortunately, most of them are Canadian.

and you've got to build a proper team that they wanted to build. They decided not to take me, and that's all right. I'll cheer [Ryan Miller] now."

It has to sting, though. Connolly has a way of responding to public slights.

Is this why you and Bucky are constantly insinuating, or (on occasion) stating outright, that Tim Connolly is a lousy, good-for-nothing piece of glass that should totally be somebody else's problem for $4.5 million a year? Because you're hoping the public slights insinuate him to play better and produce more?

It could be the Olympic snub inspired him to take his game to a more physically responsible level.

Untrue and impossible. This is not an insinuation, rather an outright statement. But, Connolly's point streak started on December 23rd¹, more than a week before the U.S. Olympic Team was named. From December 23rd to December 29th (the games before the team selections were revealed) Connolly was 3-3-6 and +4 in four games. Pretty good run. Now, he did elevate his game starting on January 1st, after the team announcement (2-5-7, +6 in four games, meaning during his eight game point streak Connolly is 5-8-13 and +10). But he apparently started insinuating himself into the dirty areas to generate more scoring before his "public slight."

Come playoffs, maybe he'll approach his level of '06 and make Burke regret leaving him off the team.

I hope so. If he plays the way Miller did in 2006 after getting foolishly left of the Turin Olympic roster we could make a hell of a playoff run (provided Ryan Miller doesn't self-destruct from overuse).

If Connolly stays healthy, that is. As Ruff said Wednesday, knock on wood.

Come on, low blow. It's hockey, everybody gets injured. You can say that about any player at any time. Crosby, Ovechkin, Connolly, Miller, Brodeur, whomever. Joe Sakic injured himself snowblowing his driveway for crying out loud. Why not, for a change, just enjoy the ride and hope it works out? The Stanley Cup, more often than not, doesn't go to the "best" team. Rather, it goes to the team that makes the playoffs, dodges poor luck with injuries, and manages to string together 16 wins. It isn't easy. Just ask Marian Hossa.

I suppose I should just be grateful that the local hacks are finally conceding that this team is going to make the playoffs. Despite not having playoff talent, so bully for us.

¹ - With a goal!

fire bucky gleason, just say what you freakin' mean edition

Mike Harrington doesn't get called out often here, primarily because he writes about baseball and I don't really care to read much about baseball unless it's something about how great the Phillies are. Yep, I'm that much of a bandwagoning homer when it comes to baseball. But Harrington does occasionally write about the Sabres, and in today's morning skate report we got this nugget:

Overtime has really baffled Toronto, as the Leafs are 1-9 overall and 0-7 in games decided by a goal in the five-minute extra session. The Sabres have two of those wins (Oct. 30 by Tim Connolly here and Dec. 21 by Derek Roy in the Air Canada Centre).

Normally I don't get too picky about a blog, because they're a bit more raw and unedited, so I understand mistakes happen. Sometimes you're thinking faster than your fingers can type, and you don't have the luxury of reviewing and revising enough before posting.¹ But this is a thought that should never have made it into the post. The Leafs² are 1-9 in overtime, and 0-7 in "games decided by a goal in the five-minute extra session." Now, I know he probably means the Leafs Leaves are 1-9 in overtime and shootouts, with that one win coming on a shootout. Thus, they're 0-7 when a goal is scored in the overtime period (thereby precluding a shootout). But the way this is written, the Leafs Leaves have somehow managed to play an overtime game where, incredibly, more than one goal has been scored in overtime. This is a functional impossibility. Overtime is sudden death; as soon as goal is scored, game over. So, kudos to the Leafs Leaves for managing to trick the refs into letting the game go on (three times, too, since they're apparently 1-2 in games in which more than one overtime goal is scored).

I understand there's an argument that more than one goal is scored if it goes to a shootout, but that's not the way it is reflected in the final score. Also, going that far just proves my point that this part is way too confusing and silly to have been posted. Try again, Mike.

¹ - This is, of course, assuming that Bucky's columns get reviewed and revised before being published. I have a strong suspicion they are not.

² - How stupid is it that Toronto goes by the Maple Leafs? You learn in like the third grade that the plural of "leaf" is "leaves." Leafs may sound more fun in a sporting team name sense (nevermind, of course, that for whatever reason Toronto is using a symbol so associated with Canada that they decided to put it on their flag, and then Toronto also decided to completely ignore Canadian colors), but it's incorrect. The Leaves haven't won a Cup since 1967 or something, which I am now dubbing the Curse of Poor Grammar.

fbg: miami

Up to this point, the Fire Bucky Gleason posts have been limited to Buffalo. Living in Buffalo, and growing up not far from Buffalo, it was only natural that we'd get mad at the local monkeys who, for reasons that I still don't entirely comprehend, get paid by people with money to write their opinions about sports. Bucky's been pretty quiet lately, and with football season ending perhaps it's time to carve up a guy commenting on the Miami Dolphins.

So, much like CBS in that we're taking a successful concept and just putting it in a different setting and calling it a whole new show (coming soon, Cold Case: Des Moines!), we're taking FBG on the road to Miami and lambasting a guy from the Miami Herald who makes the following completely asinine commentary on who would be the perfect Dolphin.

michael.w found it. My comments in italics because I say so.

Logical progression: A season in which the Dolphins have faced Reggie Wayne, Vincent Jackson, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss and Steve Smith now could come down to stopping Houston wide receiver Andre Johnson.

OK. That is reasonable enough.

[Ed's Note: Not really. What he calls a "logical progression" is really just a "list of wide receivers the Dolphins have played against this year."]

Who else on the Texans can deal death to the Dolphins on Sunday afternoon? Houston's fumbling backs run as if they were carrying a greased pig through mud. They rank 31st in the league in yards per carry and are tied for last in the NFL in yards per game.

This paragraph is Exhibit A demonstrating why I never believe or give even an ounce of credence to predictions. The allegedly horrible backs, Ryan Moats, a guy named Arian Foster and Chris Brown all ran very well. They, for at least one week, solved the "greased pig" issues.

Behind Johnson among wide receivers, Kevin Walter, not exactly Lance Alworth, averages four catches per game and 11.7 yards per catch. Sunday's tight end worries ended eight weeks ago with Owen Daniels' season-ending injury.

Way to go, of all the receivers in the history of the NATIONAL!!!FOOTBALL!!!LEAGUE!!!, I applaud your efforts to compare Kevin Walter, a white guy, to Lance Alworth, another white guy. And Exhibit B regarding the predictions, a tight end named Joel Dressen provided plenty of worries from the tight end position on Sunday. Also, the Texans have a guy named Jacoby Jones. The Dolphins couldn't cover him either.

There is some irony in the Dolphins trying to prevent Johnson from burning down their house Sunday: It would be the perfect place for Johnson to call home.

The irony, I guess, is that LandShark Stadium, a structure Andre Johnson has plans on committing acts of arson against, is a perfect place for him to call home? Way to misuse irony. Why will Andre Johnson be burning the stadium down? If it is meant only figuratively, then I ask: Is it closing at the end of the season, thereby meaning a loss, and subsequent failure to qualify for the playoffs, means the final game in the stadium? (Answer: No. There is another game in that same burned down house the following week, and some Canadian money company wants to put their name on it for following seasons).

[Ed's Note: I fail to grasp the "burning down the house" metaphor. The preferred cliche here is "tearing it up." If you're growing to write pointless things about football, at least follow the rules.]

Oh sure, every team would love a guy who gets double-teamed from pregame stretch on and beats it for 20 catches for 389 yards, as Johnson has the past two games.

Meaning this article could be written in 31 other NFL cities I guess. After all, the same irony applied in November when Andre Johnson burned down Ralph Wilson Stadium, another perfect place for him to call home. Along with the other six road stadiums Johnson played in over the course of the 2009 season.

"Without question, I think, the best receiver in the league," Dolphins safety Yeremiah Bell said. "The guy does everything. He does the little things. He does things he might not want to do. He makes all the hard catches. The guy's getting doubled every game, but they find ways to get him the ball."

What does this quote have to do with Andre Johnson being perfectly suited to reside in the charred remains of Joe Robbie..err..Pro Player..err...Dolphin...err...Landshark Stadium. Other than Johnson being great, which makes him perfectly suited for all the other stadiums, that Johnson mercifully chose not start on fire.

The Dolphins, as has been said ad nauseum, lack a dynamic playmaker at wide receiver.

No argument here. I presume this will be followed by an in depth exploration of Johnson's impending free agency and statements that he is thinking of signing with Miami.

[Ed's Note: He's right about at least one thing, I am starting to get nauseous reading this.]

Still, you have to go beyond quality to see why Johnson would be the perfect Dolphin (if he weren't signed with Houston through the 2014 season).

Oh. So to sum up: A player who will not be free agent FOR HALF A DECADE is someone perfectly suited to play for Dolphins after he burns down their stadium.

Let's start with the next-obvious element . . .

Does this mean we get cliches like "leadership" and being "good in the locker room?"

[Ed's Note: This column is not about Chris Drury.]

Johnson would be home. He didn't leave South Florida until Houston drafted him third overall in 2003 out of the University of Miami. And every college football coach not dressed in UM colors breathed a little easier that day.

No, but it is nice to see that Bucky Gleason is making a guest appearance at the Miami Herald under the pseudonym David Neal. The thesis here: Andre Johnson would be a great fit for the Dolphins because he is a great player, and he is from Miami. So is Chad Johns....Ochocinco. So is Vince Wilfork (who by the way is an actual free agent come season's end).

"Miami had just graduated Reggie Wayne," said Dolphins defensive coordinator Paul Pasqualoni, Syracuse's head coach from 1991-2004. "I told our [defensive backs], 'Don't worry, the guy who replaces him can't be as good as Reggie Wayne.' On the first two possessions, he scored on a post corner and a corner post. The cornerback came out and said, 'Coach, I think this guy might be better.'" Johnson went to Miami High, but he is from the Carol City area.

I could have told that Andre Johnson is better than Reggie Wayne without consulting Pasqualoni. Every pass Reggie Wayne has caught in the NATIONAL!!!FOOTBALL!!!LEAGUE!!! has come from the arm of Peyton Manning. Andre Johnson has had to deal with errant passes delivered by the likes of David Carr, Sage Rosenfels and Matt Schaub. (I am only going to assume the passes were errant. But based on the names listed, safe assumption). [Ed's Note: Matt Schaub is not really that errant. He is, however, often injured. Which is why Johnson was stuck with the likes of Will Ferrell Rosenfels.] Also, Reggie Wayne played at "The U" and is very good. Why not push for him? Oh, he is from New Orleans

"I could actually walk from my mom's old house to the stadium," Johnson said. "I grew up right there. I always had dreams of playing in Land Shark Stadium."

Then why burn it down? [Ed's Note: Also, he always had dreams of playing in the stadium near his Mom's old house. I can say with great confidence, since I am approximately the same age as Andre Johnson, that it was never "LandShark Stadium" when Johnson was growing up.]

Despite being from the same region as Michael Irvin (Fort Lauderdale St. Thomas Aquinas, old-school UM) and Chad Ochocinco, nee, Johnson (Miami Beach High, cheers for UM, old-school UM in spirit), Johnson refrains from putting much show in his boat. Which leads to . .

This should be good.

He has the perfect personality for this Dolphins regime. Under the Bill Parcells-Jeff Ireland-Tony Sparano ruling triumvirate, the Dolphins prefer consistently loud performances from consistently quiet men. In defending the Dolphins receivers, offensive coordinator Dan Henning is fond of saying how diva receivers can drain the energy from a team.

Lest we forget that Andre Johnson will not be available until 2014.

With cars and wideouts, high performance usually means high maintenance. Not so with Johnson. When Johnson says publicly he would like the ball more, it is rare and comes off more as admission than demand. There is no record of Johnson engaging in any quality trash talk. In fact, the lack of yak and flamboyance keeps Johnson as under the radar as a wide receiver could be with his credentials.

I would like to thank David Neal from refraining from the use of yak, and doing crappy word play with Yard After Catch (YAC). [Ed's Note: Regardless of sparing us that, "lack of yak" equals plaschke-nanigans.]

"I think it is more of my family," said Johnson, explaining his personality. "Just growing up in the house, if you were ever in my mom's house you would probably not even know if anyone was in there because there wasn't really much talking or anything going on unless we were talking amongst each other.

[Ed's Note: Who the hell else would you be talking to?]

My mom is the same way, my brother is the same way, so I think it is just a family thing. We don't really need much attention. A lot of people think that we don't talk, but I do talk. I am not just quiet like everyone thinks."

Unfortunately, the Dolphins are already at their quota of players with great families.

He will take a hit and deliver one, too. The Dolphins lords also want a physical team. Few wide receivers, maybe none with his speed, can claim to be as physical as Johnson, who is 6-3 and 223 pounds.

On a 17-yard touchdown catch against Arizona, Johnson made the grab at the Cardinals' 5-yard line. Linebacker Gerald Hayes went for a demolition-derby hit as Johnson landed. Hayes careened away to the ground. Johnson then blasted former UM teammate Antrel Rolle onto his back before carrying cornerback Bryant McFadden into the end zone.

And he is not available until 2014.

Johnson is loyal. He hasn't made noises about leaving, though Houston has had only one .500 season; he has never finished above third place in the AFC South; and he can't seem to catch a break with injuries.

"I have pretty much been through all the rough times with this organization, except for the first year," Johnson said. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy when I got here. I never thought it would take seven seasons. It is a work in progress. That is what keeps me motivated because I want to do everything I can to help get this organization to its first playoff berth and first Super Bowl."

So it is that the perfect Dolphin for the current era is a Texan.

OK. So let me get this straight: Andre Johnson is a great player. He is from Miami and went to "The U." That makes him perfect for the Miami Dolphins. However, Andre Johnson is neither a soon to be free agent nor demanding a trade. I just summed up in four sentences what took paragraph after paragraph of newspaper space. Thanks for wasting my time David Neal.