fire bucky gleason, moonlighter edition

I love when Bucky Gleason writes about football. Now, as anyone who frequents this blog (current count, 3!) knows, Bucky is paid to know lots and write things about hockey. Of course, he doesn't really know anything about hockey and just writes stupid love letters to his favorite hockey players. So, really, he just gets paid. Anyways, when he shifts to football and applies his unassailable sense of reason to the Bills, we get all sorts of insight we can't get anywhere else. Like this perfectly reasonable comparison of the Bills' woes to other events.

Exactly four minutes and 35 seconds remain in the third quarter Sunday and finally something has grabbed my attention during the Bills-Patriots game. Unfortunately, it wasn't the Bills or the Patriots.

Oooh. I'm intrigued. We've got a column about how the Bills aren't worth watching because they're so bad. So I'm sure what follows will be a fair juxtaposition that will help illustrate a full decade of frustration for Bills' fans. Kind of like a teenager that keeps getting traffic tickets, or that relative that always seems to need you to bail him out of trouble. Yeah, those are reasonable. Or, maybe, perhaps something completely banal. You know, like "something has grabbed my attention during the Bills-Patriots game" and it turns out to be squirrels fighting in the backyard or something.

It was news that actress Brittany Murphy died of an apparent heart attack at age 32.

Or that.

Murphy was a star in "Clueless" and "8 Mile." She was young, successful, beautiful. When you hear someone with so much talent dying so suddenly, it never makes sense. Then again, you never know what's happening behind the scenes with these Hollywood types. What a shame.

OK, I appreciate the brief obituary. So, I'm sure we'll soon learn how these two events are connected aside from sheer coincidence.

Let me take a moment to bring you back to the game, where Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick has just connected with Lee Evans for an 8-yard gain on second-and-12 from the Buffalo 43. The Bills are trailing, 17-3, but inside Pats' territory. If they put together a scoring drive, stop the Pats and score another TD, this puppy is tied.

It's time to pay attention.

Was Brittany Murphy a big Lee Evans fan? Did she go to Wisconsin or something? Was she watching the Bills game? How in the hell are these two completely independent and entirely unrelated events connected?

Wait, who am I kidding?

Are you trying to kid? It seems more like deliberate confusion.

We're talking Bills and Patriots here, not the Bills and the Browns. OK, bad example,

Awful joke.

but you get the picture. The Bills aren't scoring two touchdowns against the Patriots in a game that matters to Bill Belichick. Anyway, Buffalo was outscored, 112-70, in the fourth quarter going into the game.

They did in Week 1. Remember, when everybody was convinced everybody besides Leodis McKelvin was great and the Bills had playoff aspirations because, at least for one week, they weren't mathematically eliminated yet? You give this conclusory statement, only supporting it by saying the Bills have been outscored in the fourth quarter. But they blew Miami away in the fourth quarter, so who knows? Plus, New England kind of sucks this year.

Did Murphy have children?

Why the hell are we talking about Brittany Murphy again? Where did this come from? Give me some sort of segway so I can understand that you're trying to diminish the significance of the Bills by constantly being distracted by other things.

As a father of four, it really hits home when people die young. Bengals receiver Chris Henry was no saint, but he had three little ones and a fiancee when he died last week. No matter what you think of Henry, that was a real-life tragedy.

Now random thoughts about Chris Henry? What the hell? We're halfway through the column, and Bucky's mentioned as many Buffalo Bills by name (2) as he has famous people who recently died. Not any of which is connected. I mean the Bills game is completely unrelated, and in any circumstance no matter how bad the Bills are (or have been) nor for how long that does not ever compare to a person dying. It's a football game.

This is a football game.

Good. Glad we agree.

Well, sort of.

WHAT??? This is more than a football game? Please please please do not try say this is somehow as sad as two people dying young.

Fitzpatrick just threw a bad pass to rookie Shawn Nelson. Incomplete. Fitzpatrick follows with a brutal toss behind Fred Jackson. Incomplete. Finally, the Bills have someone on the field who is worth the price of admission. Brian Moorman is punting. He's been their most effective player for, what, almost a decade now?

I'm not sure, but I think Bucky's just trying to demonstrate how names of Bills players he knows.

Zzzzzzzz.

This is not a word. Stop using it as one.

Wake me up when it's over. I feel bad for anyone who paid for this game and Bills fans who are 20 years old and younger. They don't know that feeling that sweeps across town when the Bills are in contention. After all, Buffalo hasn't won a playoff game since 1995.

OK, fair enough. But this reeks of the same nonsense about "no playoffs in the last two years, or five of the last seven." Plenty of teams haven't won a playoff game in that long. The Cowboys come to mind, and they've blown a lot more money than Ralph Wilson has. So I guess that's the upside?

The Patriots aren't doing anything, either, but they come with subplots. They were vulnerable after losing two straight and playing poorly in a win over Carolina. Receiver Randy Moss tanked against the Panthers and was called a quitter. He showed up today, and that's what really matters. Why?

New England, because one player played bad once, has subplots. The Bills, currently looking for a new coach and trying to complete restructure their football operations meaning just about every player on the roster is expendable and could be gone next year, no subplots.

Moss plays on my fantasy team, the Buck Buchanans.

This is why the Patriots have subplots? Because you happen to have a Patriot on your fantasy team? Stupid. Not as dumb as your team name, but still stupid. I mean, what the hell is a Buchanan? I know it's supposed to be a play on "Bucky" but in that case why not make it the Buck Cannons. Or Buckannons. Still kind of stupid, but at least not as stupid.

Terrible drafting and worse decisions killed my playoff chances. It's funny how fantasy sometimes runs parallel with reality.

Now we're getting insight into why your fantasy team sucks? Nobody cares. As someone who plays fantasy football, I can say with great confidence that nobody cares about your fantasy team. Not your wife, not your kids, not your readers, and really not too many people that happen to play against you.

Also, this is supposed to illustrate how the Bills have drafted terribly and made worse decisions to kill their playoff chances. But the only reason they'd be parallel is if you did the drafting and terrible decision making.

But it doesn't stifle my anticipation in the fourth quarter when Tom Brady goes deep ... down the sideline ... for Moss ... incomplete.

Nobody cares. You had the opportunity for a fantasy joke, which only works ever in a "Hey, at least I'm getting fantasy points out of this garbage" kind of way. And you even managed to stumble over that.

Murphy was born in Atlanta. One of her first roles was on "Murphy Brown." What a coincidence. She was a spokesmodel for Jordache Jeans and was named to FHM's 10 Sexiest List and Maxim's Hot 100. Did she have a history of cardiac problems or is there something more?

Back on Brittany Murphy? What the hell?

Trent Edwards is under center. The Bills had high hopes for him, but he appears headed for the same fate as J.P. Losman. Edwards is sacked on the first play. Shocker. Edwards complete to Nelson for minus-1. Another shocker. Edwards throws behind Josh Reed. Incomplete. Edwards sacked and shaken up. Need I say more?

Fitzpatrick is back. He connects with Reed on a great catch and run. I was just telling Mark Gaughan before the game how Reed deserves credit for navigating the potholes and finding a way to stay in the NFL after dropped passes plagued him early in his career. Reed is open inside the 5 on fourth-and-9 with 3:48 remaining. He drops the pass.

Right back to the Bills. I honestly have no idea what's going on in this column.

Where did everybody go? An optimist would say The Ralph was half-full, but to me it looks half-empty. Start your e-mails.

I can't tell if he's trying to insult Bills fans for leaving, or insult them for going in the first place. Or if he's trying to insult the Bills for being so lousy everybody would rather read about dead celebrities.

The Patriots go three-and-out before Fitzpatrick finds Reed with a 17-yard pass play. Lee Evans kept his feet in bounds, beating Brandon Meriweather (strange spelling) for a TD, bringing the Bills within 17-10. This is just another tease . . unless ... unless they recover the onside kick and score in the final three minutes.

OK, this is officially all over the place. Smorgasbord tag.

Buffalo pounces on the kick, but wait. Rookie Aaron Maybin was flagged for being offside on the kickoff. They kick it away. Wes Welker has two hands on the ball, unlike Leodis McKelvin in the last meeting, when he's tackled. Third-and-6 for the Pats just before the two-minute warning. Still time for the Bills. Brady to Welker for 8. Ballgame.

If recent history is any suggestion, if Buffalo could've stopped the Pats on 3rd down they would have then gone for it on 4th down and failed to convert. Making for a pretty exciting finish.

It's time to run downstairs for postgame enlightenment from The Hoody.

"This week is this week," Belichick said. "Next week is next week."

Gripping.

Why would anybody watch Bill Belichick speak about anything ever? This is the guy who has football in a perspective as reasonable to Bucky's. Apparently, the Bills' failings are as bad as people dying. Belichick preps for football season by reading up on war books.

I never saw "Clueless"

Bucky admits to never looking in the mirror. ZING!

or "8 Mile." Sounds like a plan for the next two Sundays.

So long as we don't get movie reviews, knock yourself out.